UNCOMMON CENTS 81

WILLIAM JAMES BLENDED PSYCHOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY AND ECONOMICS AT A TIME WHEN ACADEMIC SPECIALTIES WERE RELATIVELY UNKNOWN. YET WILLIAM GOT IT RIGHT. HE WOULD HAVE ADMITTED THAT MANY WOMEN NEVER GET BEYOND HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE THEY NEVER GROW IN VIRTUE OR KNOWLEDGE. HE WOULD HAVE NOTED THAT IN THE MIDDLE-EAST WHEN A KILLING BY A GUNMAN OCCURS, IT STILL REPRESENTS A CEASE FIRE ON HOLD. WHAT AN OXYMORON. HE WOULD HAVE MARVELED AT THE DILEMMA A RESPONSIBLE PERSON FACES WHOSE CREDIT IS TOO GOOD MAKING HIM A PROBLEM BECAUSE HIS CREDIT REPORT IS UNSCOREABLE. WILLIAM SAW THAT IMPERFECTIONS AND CONTRADICTIONS WERE UNAVOIDABLE WHEN LINKED TO HUMAN NATURE. FOR WILLIAM, HOWEVER, HUMAN NATURE'S POTENTIAL WAS A WELL SPRING VIRTUALLY UNTAPPED. HE REEKED OPTIMISM. HE THOUGHT WE SHOULD PURSUE OUR POSSIBILITIES, ATTEND TO THEM WITH A SUSPENSE AND WATCHFULLNESS BEYOND REASON WHICH DELVES INTO THE HEART. ONLY THEN CAN WE BE TRULY FREE. WILLIAM JAMES POSITED A PRAGMATIC APPROACH TO PSYCHOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY AND ECONOMICS CALLED THE "WILL TO BELIEVE."

MILTON FRIEDMAN THE GREAT ECONOMIST ALSO CHAMPIONED THE CAUSE OF FREE CHOICE. WHAT ELSE MAKES US FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT IF NOT THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO BE SO? ELITES WHO RESTRICT FREE MARKET COMPETITION JUST THROTTLE CAPITALISM AND EXACERBATE THE PROBLEMS OF THE POOR. THE POOR DO NOT NEED TO BE A PROBLEM. ALLOWED TO MAKE FREE CHOICES, THEY CAN FIND THEIR OWN SOLUTIONS TO FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

HINT: IF YOU ARE BOMBARDED WITH MESSAGES ABOUT CREDIT, BORROWING, SPENDING AND CONSUMPTION - YOU HAVE WITHIN YOU THE WILL TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR ARE FREE TO CHOOSE. JUST FOREGO! CHOOSE TO SAVE. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN FLOUR IS ONLY $.99 FOR A FIVE POUND BAG, COULDN'T YOU SAVE MONEY BY COOKING OR BAKING FOR YOURSELF ONCE IN A WHILE?

BARBERO

TO BARBERO

WHEN DOES ILLOGIC ATTACK?
WHERE WILL A FRAGILE LEG CRACK?
WHEN SHOULD RESOLVE BE TOUGH?
WHEN IS PAIN DEEMED ENOUGH?
WHEN END EIGHT MONTHS OF PAIN?
WHERE WILL MEDICINE GAIN?
WHEN IS HUMANENESS CROWNED?
WHEN IS A BRAVE HORSE DOWNED?
WHO WRITES WITH FATE-FORGED PEN?
WHO KNOWS WHERE OR WHEN?





CAPITALIST, SOCIALIST OR LIBERAL. WHAT WILL IT BE? LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD - AS IN SOCIALISM? LET THE GAMES BEGIN - AS IN CAPITALISM? REGULATE THE OUTCOME OF THE CONTEST - AS IN LIBERALISM? I QUOTE FROM A LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF A NEWSPAPER. "CONSUMERS SHOULD PAY A PREMIUM TO BUY ORGANIC SO THAT THE EARTH AND OTHER HUMANS AREN'T HARMED BY DIRECT EXPOSURE TO THESE DANGEROUS PESTICIDES, NOT JUST OUT OF CONCERN FOR THEIR PERSONAL HEALTH." FORCING PERSONS TO PAY HIGHER PRICES AT ONE END OF THE PLAYING FIELD NEVER GUARANTEES A BETTER LIFE OR HIGHER INCOMES AT THE OTHER. ORGANIC FOODS OFFER NO BOOST TO PERSONAL HEALTH. PESTICIDES LIKE DDT COULD CONTROL MALARIA, THE SCOURGE OF THE WORLD’S POOR, AROUND THE WORLD IF IT WERE NOT FOR LIBERAL, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. THE POOR CAN INCREASE THEIR WEALTH ONLY IF NOT REPRESSED IN THE FREE EXCHANGE OF GOODS AND SERVICES. SO MUCH FOR LIBERALS.

SECOND, FROM A HUNGARIAN ECONOMIST. "RATIONING SYSTEMS THAT SPREAD MISERY EQUALLY MAY ASSUAGE FEELINGS OF INJUSTICE FOR A WHILE BUT THEY WILL NOT SOLVE ANYTHING." LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD BY REDISTRIBUTING GOODS AND MONEY SOUNDS EQUITABLE, BUT THE GAME PLAYS OUT AS A DRAW IN UNIVERSAL MISERY. SOCIALISM'S SOLUTIONS IMPRISON HUMAN CREATIVITY. IT IS NOT GOOD THAT ALL MEN LIVE EQUAL. SO MUCH FOR SOCIALISTS.

AT THE CENTER OF CAPITALISM LIES ENTREPRENEURSHIP. AT ITS BEST, FREE, GLOBAL MARKETS LEAD TO FREEDOM FOR ALL BECAUSE THEY ENCOURAGE NEW PRODUCTS, CHANGE AND INNOVATION. SOMETIMES CAUTION IS NOT EXERCISED AND CAPITALISM IS ABUSED BY STATIC COMPETITION THAT LEADS TO MONOPOLIES AND CORPORATE CORRUPTION. NEVERTHELESS, IT IS GOOD THAT ALL MEN LIVE UNEQUAL IN POTENTIAL AND ABILITIES BUT EQUAL IN OPPORTUNITY. SO MUCH FOR CAPITALISTS.

HINT: WHAT WILL IT BE? ME FIRST OR ME AS THE PUTTY OF OTHERS?

UNCOMMON CENTS 79

I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NOT GET MY 'DANDER UP' AGAIN ABOUT THE STATE OF AMERICAN EDUCATION, BUT I "HAFT TO ADD," MY COMMENTS TO THE PROFILE OF A LOCAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL BECAUSE IT IS CATHOLIC SCHOOLS WEEK. AN ADULT REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ONLY LOCAL CATHOLIC GRAMMAR SCHOOL SAID THAT "WE MIGHT BE HAFTING TO ADD" FACULTY. A COUPLE OF STUDENT REPRESENTATIVES WAXED POETIC - IN THEIR TYPICAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL VOCABULARIES - ABOUT HOW THEY LIKED THEIR SCHOOL BECAUSE OF 'SPORTS', 'SOCIAL STUDIES' AND 'NICE' TEACHERS. BECAUSE THEY WERE MADE TO 'FIT IN' AND IT'S 'FUN.' HOW FAR FROM THEIR MISSION, HAVE SCHOOLS STRAYED!

THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE FOR WHICH A CATHOLIC PAID TUITION OF $2200 A YEAR AND A NON-CATHOLIC, $4200, APPARENTLY PROVIDED NO ADVANTAGE OVER A PUBLIC SCHOOL IN ITS CATHOLICITY OR ITS EDUCATIONAL CURRICULUM. WHAT WASTED OPPORTUNITY AND EVANGELISM. PARENTS OF THESE STUDENTS PAY A PREMIUM FOR THEIR CHILD'S EXPERIENCES BUT DON'T EVEN GET A SPECIAL PRODUCT IN RETURN. MY DANDER STOOD ERECT, SALUTING. FURTHERMORE, IN PASSING, IT WAS NOTED THAT A MAN, THE LOCAL MAYOR, FOR WHOM I HAVE DEVELOPED A DECIDED DISRESPECT, WAS A PRODUCT OF THIS INSTITUTION. THIS MAN'S PUBLIC POLICIES AND LEFT-LEANING LIBERAL BELIEFS CONSISTENTLY RUN COUNTER TO CORE CATHOLIC PRINCIPLES BY THEIR MISREPRESENTATIONS OF ECONOMICS AND MORAL IMPERATIVES IN AMERICA AND, SPECIFICALLY, IN HIS CITY AND COMMUNITY.

AN INSIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF PRE K 4 YR OLDS. KINDERGARTEN AND GRAMMAR SCHOOL CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED HERE - UNDER A THOUSAND. BUT IN THE PATOIS OF THE EDUCATOR QUESTIONED, I 'HAFT' TO ADD MY TWO CENTS. I HEARD NO WORD 'CATHOLIC' OR NO WORD 'SCHOOLING' IN THE ALLOTTED HALF HOUR INTERVIEW. NO MENTION OF ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE OR RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION. TALK ABOUT A NEED TO REVERT TO THE "GOOD OLE' DAYS." BRING BACK THE BACK-SLAPPING NUNS. THEIR BACK-HANDED APPROACH TO LEARNING TAUGHT US MORE THAN TODAY'S POLITICALLY CORRECT, POLITE KISSES TO SELF-ESTEEM. ASK A DEVOUT MUSLIM IF HIS SCHOOL REFLECTS ISLAM'S RELIGIOUS AND EDUCATIONAL BELIEFS. THE ANSWER: "YES, PRAISE ALLAH." ASK A CATHOLIC IF HIS OR HER SCHOOL REFLECTS A CHURCH'S TRADITIONAL EMPHASIS ON A SERIOUS DEDICATION TO RELIGIOUS TRAINING AND RIGOROUS ACADEMIC ENQUIRY. THE ANSWER: "SPORTS IS FUN; THE TEACHERS IS NICE."

HINT: IT TAKES A DRINK OF SHERRY TO RELAX MY DANDER THAT'S UP.

UNCOMMON CENTS 78

ABOUT 66% - 2/3RDS - OF WORKERS UNDER 30, CASH OUT THEIR 401K ACCOUNTS WHEN SWITCHING JOBS. DO THEY NOT KNOW THAT YOUTH AND TIME ARE THE ONLY ASSETS THEY CAN USE TO BENEFIT THEIR FUTURES? CONSIDER TWO SCENARIOS. ONE 22-YEAR-OLD DOES NOT PUT AWAY ANY SAVINGS UNTIL AGE 34 AND THEN SAVES $6,500 AND INCREASES HIS SAVINGS $500 EACH YEAR UNTIL 65. HE WILL HAVE $1.6 MILLION BY AGE 65 ASSUMING HE HAS HAD AN 8% ANNUAL RETURN. ANOTHER 22 -YEAR-OLD SAVES $500 FROM THE FIRST YEAR OF HIS EMPLOYMENT AND ADDS $500 EACH YEAR UNTIL 65, AGAIN ASSUMING AN 8% ANNUAL RETURN. THE STEADY SAVER WILL HAVE 2.3 MILLION UPON RETIREMENT. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES A MILLION DOLLARS MAKE? ACTUALLY, A MILLION DOLLARS WAS LOST, FOREGONE FOR THE 12 YEARS BETWEEN 22 AND 34 FOR THE ONE WORKER. THAT MAKES FOR AN APPRECIABLE IN RETIREMENT SECURITY AND SAVINGS.

DON’T LET GEORGE, THE GOVERNMENT, DO YOUR SAVING FOR YOU VIA PAYMENTS TO SOCIAL SECURITY; THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. SAVE IN A 401K PLAN AND INVEST IN AN ACROSS THE BOARD U.S. STOCKS MUTUAL FUND FOR THE LONG TERM, SAY 40 YEARS, WHEN YOUTH AND TIME ARE ON YOUR SIDE. PRESERVE YOUR SAVINGS IN A 401K AND CONTINUALLY ADD TO THEM IN A LIMITED PORTFOLIO ( ONE OR TWO FUNDS). WATCH THEM GROW AS YOUR STATURE GROWS IN FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY.

HINT: A MAN WHO SCORNED MONEY MAKING, OFTEN RELYING ON OTHERS FOR SUSTENANCE, BUT WHO WAS CONSCIOUS OF HIS OWN MORALS SAID, " THERE IS NEVER AN INSTANT'S TRUCE BETWEEN VIRTUE AND VICE. GOODNESS IS THE ONLY INVESTMENT THAT NEVER FAILS." HENRY DAVID THOREAU DISPLAYED A NAIVETE IN HIS CONVICTION BECAUSE HE FAILED TO PERCEIVE THAT SELF-SUFFICIENCY IS A MORAL GOOD RESULTING IN FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE.

UNCOMMON CENTS 77

I LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY, BUT TODAY'S TIDBIT DOES NOT UPLIFT MY SPIRIT. FOR OVER 50 YEARS, APPARENTLY, THE FEDERAL RESERVE HAS BEEN GIVING AWAY COMIC BOOKS. ABOUT A DOZEN TITLES. ABOUT 1 MILLION TO HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS LAST YEAR. BUT THESE COMIC BOOKS ARE NOT ABOUT SUPER HEROES; THEY INFORM ABOUT MONEY. ONE, ABOUT HOW TO SAVE IT. OTHERS ABOUT MONEY'S RELATIONSHIP TO INFLATION, CHECKING AND BANKING. A SEVEN YEAR OLD COULD FIND THE COLORS AND ARTWORK OF THESE COMIC CREATIONS ENTERTAINING, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEIR EFFECTIVENESS WITHIN THE TARGET AUDIENCE, TEENAGERS?

ARE YOUNG PEOPLE SAVING? ARE YOUTH SAVVY TO THE CONCEPT OF BALANCING INCOME AND EXPENDITURES? IS THE MESSAGE OF PROPER, PRIOR PLANNING FOR RETIREMENT GETTING THROUGH? APPARENTLY NOT. THE MESSAGES OF THESE COMICS ARE IGNORED AND FORGOTTEN AS YOUNG WORKERS EMERGE INTO THE MARKETPLACE. YOUNG WORKERS UNLEASHED BY FREE CHOICES, IGNORE AND FORGET TO WITHHOLD EVEN $50.00 OR A $100.00 IN SAVINGS FROM THEIR REGULAR PAYCHECKS. INSTEAD THEY ARE BENT UPON ACQUISITIONS AND INSTANT GRATIFICATIONS. WHEN CHANGING JOBS, ABOUT ONE THIRD OF THEM CASH OUT THEIR 401 PLANS, WHICH MEANS THEY HAVE WIPED OUT THEIR SAVINGS, OTHER THAN THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY CONTRIBUTIONS. (MORE ON THIS TREND TOMORROW).

WHY DO YOUTH GLAZE OVER AT THE MENTION OF MONEY AND SAVING? WHY DO THEY PREFER COMPUTER GAMES, POP MUSIC AND CHAT ROOMS ON THE INTERNET? IN SPITE OF A 580 MILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY IN SELF HELP BOOKS, WHY ARE READERS NOT HELPING THEMSELVES TO WEALTH? I DIDN’T LEARN THE SAD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION TODAY. I’VE KNOWN IT A LONG WHILE. YOUTH HAVE BEEN ROBBED OF PROPER, PRIOR PARENTING. AN UPBRINGING IN A KID-CENTRIC UNIVERSE HAS ROBBED YOUTH OF ADULT ROLE MODELS, SUPERVISION AND GUIDANCE.

HINT: PROPER, PRIOR PARENTING. P/P/P SETS THE EXAMPLE OF THRIFT, ACCOUNTABILITY AND SMART BEHAVIOR WITH MONEY.

UNCOMMON CENTS 76

IT WAS A WISE, OLD, SHAKESPEAREAN FOOL, POLONIUS, WHO SAID "NEITHER A BORROWER OR A LENDER BE." VICTOR HUGO SAID A CREDITOR "OWNS YOUR DIGNITY." BEN FRANKLIN SAID A "BORROWER GOES A SORROWING." "BORROWERS ARE NEARLY ALWAYS ILL-SPENDERS," SAID JOHN RUSKIN. YET AS HISTORY HAS HAD IT, SINCE THE ADVENT OF CREDIT, POLONIUS AND OTHER DR. PHIL'S HAS BEEN PROVEN DEAD WRONG. A LOCAL CAR DEALER ADVERTISES THAT "HIS LENDERS HAVE 2 MILLION DOLLARS TO LEND, SO GET DOWN HERE." SINCE THE 16TH CENTURY, A SPRING OF CREDIT HAS BUBBLED UP AND HAS NEVER CEASED TO FLOW. I LIKE MONEY TOO, BUT ADDICTION TO SPENDING IT IS STRONG LIKE THE COMPULSIVE DRAW OF NICOTINE. MONEY SQUANDERED OR WASTED ON CIGARETTES IS COMMON; ATTEMPTS TO QUIT RESULT IN RELAPSES.

IN SPITE OF THE POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS OF BOTH CIGARETTE ADDICTION AND THE ACCUMULATION OF WEALTH, EACH AMERICAN SHOULD CHOOSE SOME MANNER OF MAKING MONEY TO PREPARE FOR RETIREMENT. WHAT ABOUT INVESTING IN SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE COMPANIES, SO-CALLED 'GOOD' COMPANIES THAT SHUN SIN PRODUCTS LIKE TOBACCO, FOSTER CHARITABLE GIVING, SEEK ENVIRONMENTAL RESPONSIBILITY AND SUPPORT CORPORATE OVERSIGHT? DO THEY, WILL THEY, WORK FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST? NOT NECESSARILY. EVIDENCE SPEAKS TO THE CONTRARY. THEIR TRACK RECORDS HAVE NOT PROFITED THEIR STOCKHOLDERS.

SO ON TO BIG TOBACCO. ALTRIA'S (FORMERLY PHILLIP MORRIS) VALUE HAS RISEN 450%SINCE 2000. WHAT QUESTION SHOULD YOU BE ASKING YOURSELF AND WHAT CHOICE LOOMS FOR YOU IF YOU NEED TO INVEST FOR YOUR RETIREMENT? DO YOU MAKE MONEY ON LEGAL SIN STOCKS AND, IF YOU SO CHOOSE, FUND YOUR 'CAUSES' WITH SOME OF YOUR EARNINGS? OR DO YOU LOSE MONEY FOR THE SAKE OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE OVER FOR EXAMPLE, CIGARETTE ADDICTION, POSSIBLE ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION OR RESTRICTIONS ON EMPLOYEE BENEFITS? MONEY, PER SE, IS AN AMORAL COMMODITY. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A MORAL GOOD. PASS ON FINANCING THAT NEW CAR AND INVEST TO BENEFIT YOUR FUTURE.

HINT: NEITHER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE. PAY YOURSELF FIRST OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK, PAY CASH , PAY OFF A CREDIT CARD EACH MONTH OR DON'T ACQUIRE ONE. AVOID DEBT EXCEPT FOR THE SAKE OF A HOME.

UNCOMMON CENTS 75

IT'S BEEN A LONG WHILE SINCE I HAVE SEEN THE WORD SHIVAREE IN PRINT. SEEING THE WORD CHARIVARI RECENTLY, I WAS INSPIRED TO TRIP TO A DICTIONARY FOR A COMPARISON. IT WAS A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY TO A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN THE WORD AND ITS CONNOTATION WERE COMMONLY USED. LITERALLY, "HEAVY HEAD," SHIVAREE OR CHARIVARI REFERS TO A NOISY CELEBRATION. MY WEDDING, I SUPPOSE WAS, AT BEST, AN EMOTIONAL SHIVAREE. THE WORD SHIVAREE ALSO REMINDS ME THAT TODAY LIBERALS REFER TO THE OBSCENE PROFITS OF OIL COMPANIES IN TERMS OF A CHARIVARI, AN OUT OF CONTROL PARTY. BUT MY ONCE, HAPPY, WEDDING PARTY WAS REAL. LET'S CONTRAST THE FACTS REGARDING PROFITS FROM BIG OIL.

FROM 2000 TO 2006 THE ENERGY SECTOR’S SHARE OF PROFITS WITHIN THE S&P 500 INDEX MOVED FROM 10% TO 15%. THE PERCENTAGE HERE IS 5%. BIG OILS’ EARNINGS FROM 2000 TO 2006 GREW FROM $3.00 TO $12.00 A SHARE. THE PERCENTAGE HERE IS 300%! REVENUE AND EARNINGS, HOWEVER, ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH PROFIT. REVENUE REPRESENTS INCOME FROM THE SALE OF A PRODUCT. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INCOME (REVENUE) AND EXPENSES EQUAL PROFITS OR EARNINGS. A PROFIT MARGIN MIGHT BE MIGHTY SLIM OR OBESE. PERCENTAGES ALONE REPRESENT DATA THAT CAN THEN BE ASSESSED. 300% SURELY TAKES ONE ABACK COMPARED WITH 15% BUT WHAT DO THESE PERCENTAGES REALLY MEAN?

BIG OIL DOES NOT MAKE NEAR THE PROFIT THAT A SERVING OF FRIES REAPS FOR MCDONALDS OR A FRAPPE CAPPUCCHINO FOR STARBUCKS. WHEN ONE SUBTRACTS THE COST OF INGREDIENTS - BEANS, MILK, OIL, A POTATO - FROM THE OVER-THE-COUNTER REVENUE, EARNINGS FOR CONVENIENCE FOODS GREATLY SURPASS PROFITS FROM BIG OIL.

I JOIN THAT TINY PERCENT, 4%, OF CONSERVATIVES WHO DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE WAGE GAP BETWEEN HIGH AND LOWER INCOME WORKERS. WHY SHOULD I? ANYBODY CAN RISE; NO ONE NEED FOREVER BE SUPPRESSED OR BOUND INTO HIS ECONOMIC STATUS. I BELIEVE THAT THE RIGHT TO A SHIVAREE SHOULD BE MINE. THAT THE PERCENTAGE OF RETURN ON MY INVESTMENTS, I.E. PROFITS, SHOULD BE OPEN ENDED. MY FUTURE MAY DEPEND ON IT.

HINT: WHAT ABOUT YOU? PARTY OR PARTY POOPER?

UNCOMMON CENTS 73

POLITICS IS THE BUSINESS OF SYMBOLISM - AS DEMONSTRATED BY PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH'S STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH, TUESDAY NIGHT, JANUARY 23RD. CITIZENSHIP, HOWEVER, INVOLVES THE REAL WORLD WITH CONTRASTING VIEWS. CONSERVATIVES ARE NOT NAIVE, BUT REALISTIC, AND LIBERALS ARE DOUR BECAUSE THEY ARE IN DENIAL. WHAT TO DO? LIBERALS ANSWER ALL 'PROBLEMS' - WHICH ARE INFINITE- BY GOVERNMENT SPENDING, I.E. GARNISHING YOUR TAX DOLLARS. CONSERVATIVES RE-DEFINE PROBLEMS AS 'OPPORTUNITIES' - AND THEY TOO NEVER END - WHICH MAY BE SOLVED BY INDIVIDUAL EFFORT.

WHICH ACTOR ON THE POLITICAL STAGE DO YOU THINK TOLD ME TODAY THAT "ALL CHILDREN ARE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN?" A CONTRADICTION. SHE TOLD ME THAT "EVERY CHILD IS UNIQUE." TRUE, BUT HOW CAN SHE THEN SAY THAT "WE ARE ALL WORKING FOR THE SAME STANDARDS?" "NO CHILD WITH DISABILITIES SHOULD BE LEFT OUT OR LEFT BEHIND." IS THIS REALISTIC? THESE WORDS OF CONTRADICTION, DELUSION AND JUSTIFICATION WERE EMOTED BY A SPOKESMAN FOR A GOVERNMENT SPONSORED AND FUNDED PROGRAM FOR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN IN LOCAL SCHOOLS.

PRESIDENT BUSH SHOULD HAVE CUT HIS ADDRESS SHORT AND SPOKEN SWEETLY TO THE FACT THAT THE TIME FOR SYMBOLS IS PAST. GOVERNMENT SPENDING, I.E. YOUR TAX DOLLARS, IS NOT A SYMBOL OF EQUALITY BUT A REAL SYMPTOM OF A SICKNESS, OFTEN WELCOMED IN THIS COUNTRY, WHICH ATTEMPTS TO EQUALIZE THE EXPERIENCES AND FATES OF UNEQUAL INDIVIDUALS. NOT JUST A SYMBOLIC LEVELING BUT A REAL LIFE 'LEVELING’ OF THE ‘PLAYING FIELD' TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR ORIGINATED WITH LIBERALS.

HINT: WHEN THE WELFARE OF OTHERS REPRESENTS A REAL, NOT ASYMBOLIC STRIPPING OF YOUR PAYCHECK, IT'S TIME TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE STATE OF YOUR FINANCIAL AFFAIRS.

UNCOMMON CENTS 72

FOR THIS 'NATIONAL NO-NAME CALLING WEEK' I SELF-IDENTIFY AS A BLACKBERRY ADDICT. I CAN RESIST THAT ELECTRONIC DEVICE FOREIGN TO MY INTELLIGENCE, BUT I CAN'T RESIST THE FAT, BLACK, JUICY, THORNLESS, TASTY FRUIT THAT GROWS ON VINES, THEN MELTS AND JELLS INTO A MOUTH-WATERING SPREAD. I ALSO SELF-IDENTIFY AS A COST CONSCIOUS NUT. IT IS NOT NAME CALLING, HOWEVER, IF I IDENTIFY THOSE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THE BENEFITS OF INVESTING AS FOOLISH. FOOLISH CHARACTERIZES ONE WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE RULE OF 72 IN ECONOMICS. EVEN FOR AN I.Q. CHALLENGED PERSON LIKE MYSELF, THIS RULE OF 72 IS EASY TO COMPREHEND. IT ALLOWS YOU TO DETERMINE HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR MONEY TO DOUBLE AT VARIOUS INTEREST RATES. FOR EXAMPLE, SAY YOU WANT YOUR $1,000 INVESTMENT TO DOUBLE IN 10 YEARS. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF A RETURN WILL ALLOW IT TO DOUBLE IN 10 YEARS. DIVIDE 10 INTO 72. YOU MUST EARN 7.2% ANNUALLY. IF YOU DIVIDE 72 BY 15 (THE NUMBER OF YEARS) YOU WILL ONLY NEED 4.8% ANNUALLY. IMPRESSIVE. HUH? FOOLISHNESS IS NOT EMBARKING ON A LONG TERM INVESTMENT PLAN OR SUBSCRIBING TO ITS FINANCIAL REWARDS.

$24.00 INVESTED IN 1626, THE AMOUNT FOR WHICH THE INDIANS SOLD MANHATTAN, WOULD GROW TO 3.3 TRILLION BY 1996 IF THE INDIANS HAD INVESTED IT AT COMPOUNDING INTEREST OF 7.20% OVER THE YEARS. ON THE OTHER HAND IF THE INDIANS HAS PUT THEIR $24.00 INTO THE BANK AND SPENT THEIR $1.73 INTEREST EARNED EACH YEAR, AFTER 370 YEARS THEY WOULD STILL HAVE $24.00 AND WOULD HAVE SPENT $640.00 IN INTEREST. SAD. HUH?

HINT: STOP BEING A 'DUMMY' THIS WEEK; GET 'SMART.' PUT ASIDE THE PRICE OF A NEW TV TO WATCH EITHER THE SUPER BOWL OR THE ACADEMY AWARDS. THE WINNERS WILL BE JUST AS VISIBLE ON THE SET YOU OWN RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU WON'T BE A LOSER.

UNCOMMON CENTS 72

HOW MAY I CONVINCE YOU TO BEGIN NOW TO WRITE YOUR RETIREMENT SONATA WHEN EVEN THE LATE, GREAT ECONOMIST MILTON FRIEDMAN HAS SAID THAT THE "PRESENT SITUATION (LOW U.S. SAVINGS RATE) DOES NOT RAISE ANY PROBLEMS FOR THE ECONOMY?" FIRST, REMEMBER THAT MILTON SPEAKS IN TERMS OF MACROECONOMICS. YOUR LITTLE, LIFE DEALS WITH MICROECONOMICS. DEPOSITS INTO SOCIAL SECURITY AND 401 K PLANS, GROWTH IN EQUITIES IN YOUR INVESTMENTS, THE INCREASING VALUE OF PRIVATE HOMES, CORPORATE INVESTMENT AND GROWTH - ALL CONSTITUTE SAVINGS FOR THE COUNTRY AS A WHOLE AND FILL IN THE BIG (MACRO) PICTURE. AS MILTON PUT IT, "THE RIGHT SAVING RATE IS WHATEVER SATISFIES THE TASTES AND PREFERENCES OF THE PUBLIC IN A FREE AND UNBIASED CAPITAL MARKET." BUT IN TERMS OF THE DRAMA ON YOUR SMALL STAGE, WHAT ARE YOUR INDIVIDUAL (MICRO) SAVINGS? BESIDES ANY MANDATORY INVESTMENTS WITHDRAWN FROM YOUR PAYCHECKS, PERHAPS YOU OUGHT TO CONSIDER SAVING MONEY TO INVEST, LONG-TERM, IN A RETIREMENT FUND. AN INVESTMENT ENTITY, VANGUARD, FOR EXAMPLE, SPONSORS A DIVERSIFIED PORTFOLIO OF FUNDS THAT HELPS YOU BEGIN TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GOAL OF FUTURE, FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE BEYOND THE SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFIT OR THE IRRESPONSIBLE GOVERNMENT (OTHER CITIZENS' MONIES) HANDOUT.

THIS IS NOT THE DAWN OF THE INDUSTRIAL AGE. A MANUFACTURING ECONOMY IS BEING REPLACED BY A SERVICE ECONOMY. JOBS ARE CHANGING. GRANTED THE WEALTHY CAN SUPPORT AMERICAN-MADE $6,000 SONY GRAND WEGA TV'S AND $10,000 SUB-ZERO PRO 48 REFRIGERATORS, BUT TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE WILL BE ON THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY. INFORM YOURSELVES, THEREFORE, ABOUT SAVING AND INVESTMENT. WHY? IT'S THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO. EVEN THE PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH, IN HIS STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH ENCOURAGES INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY BY SUGGESTING A TAX DEDUCTION FOR HEALTH COVERAGE PURCHASED OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE. HIS MESSAGE - YOU TAKE CHARGE!

MILTON FRIEDMAN'S EXPERTISE LOOKED AT THE BIG PICTURE OF THE U.S. ECONOMY. IT'S UP TO YOU TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ASK COGENT QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PATTERNS OF SPENDING. THE COUNTRY WILL DO THE RIGHT THING IF MARKET FORCES ARE ALLOWED TO FUNCTION. ARE YOU PERSONALLY DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR FINANCIAL SELF-PRESERVATION?

HINT: $50 BANKED FOR 50 YEARS REAPS A $284 RETURN. $50 INVESTED IN THE U.S. STOCK MARKET FOR 50 YEARS, REAPS A WHOPPING $1,952.

UNCOMMON CENTS 71

WHY WERE OUR FOUNDING FATHERS SO INTENT UPON ENSHRINING THE PRINCIPLE OF PRIVATE PROPERTY IN OUR CONSTITUTION? OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE THEY WERE WEALTHY YOU SAY? YES, BUT MORE IMPORTANT WAS THEIR BELIEF THAT PROPERTY WAS THE KEY TO HUMAN AUTONOMY AND HUMAN DIGNITY, THAT NOT ONLY HUMAN BEINGS BUT CIVIC VIRTUE COULD NOT FLOURISH UNLESS THE CAPACITY TO ACQUIRE PROPERTY EXITED. WELL, HAVE WE NOT AS GOOD AMERICANS PUT THIS THEORY TO REST, WHAT WITH ACQUISITIVENESS AT ITS ZENITH TODAY? EXCEPT FOR SAVINGS. WE ARE NOT ACCUMULATING ENOUGH SAVINGS, A COMPONENT OF PROPERTY THAT MAY BE MOST IMPORTANT FOR OUR DIGNITY AND AUTONOMY. IF THE CONCEPT OF PROPERTY IS EMBEDDED IN THE VISION OF 'THE AMERICAN DREAM' WHY ARE WE NOT MAKING OUR DREAMS COME TRUE? WE HAVE SLACKED OFF OF SELF-SUFFICIENCY AND ALLOWED SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS, WITHDRAWN FROM PAYCHECKS, AND GOVERNMENT BAILOUTS LIKE MEDICARE, MEDICAID AND, THANK GOODNESS FAR FEWER, WELFARE PAYMENTS, TO OFTEN CARRY US ALONG. INSTEAD, OR IN ADDITION, MONEY INTO A 401K SHOULD BE MAXED OUT, YET HOW MANY WORKERS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS TAX-DEFERRED OPPORTUNITY? HOW MANY CONSUMERS PAY OFF THEIR CREDIT CARD OR CARDS EACH MONTH TO AVOID THE FINANCE CHARGES, EVEN THOUGH THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PROFITS REAPED BY COMPANIES FROM THEIR FAILING TO DO SO? HOW MANY SHOPAHOLICS HAVE BEEN FACILITATED BY AND FALLEN PREY TO THE ABUNDANCE OF GOODS AND SERVICES THIS COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER IN 2007?

EVEN A FEW, FIRST INCHES OF SNOW FALLING, IN ITS WHITE, WINTRY WONDER, CANCELS SCHOOLS AND CHURCH ASSEMBLIES BUT, OF COURSE, DOES NOT DETER SHOPPERS OR PLEASURE SEEKERS FROM ENTERING THEIR VEHICLES, PERHAPS, HATLESS, GLOVELESS, BOOTLESS AND CLUELESS ABOUT DRESSING FOR THE WEATHER. 'DRESSING FOR WEATHER' HAS GONE THE WAY OF 'SAVING FOR A RAINY DAY.'

HINT: MONEY IS AT THE ROOT OF OUR RIGHT TO LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. ISN'T IT TIME WE GOT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH IT, FAMILIARIZED OURSELVES WITH IT, RESPECTED IT LIKE A PROSPECTIVE LOVER?

UNCOMMON CENTS 70

FOLLOW THE MONEY TRAIL; THERE YOU ARE FORCED TO QUESTION WHAT TURN YOU SHOULD TAKE IN LIFE. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE GOVERNMENT USING YOUR MONEY - STILL HANDS OUT RENT TO 100,000 OF KATRINA'S VICTIMS. ISN'T IT TIME THE WORD VICTIM IS TAKEN OFF THE TABLE? BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOME PROSPECTIVE STUDENTS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND THEIR FIRST CHOICE OF A COLLEGE - DUE TO LACK OF FUNDS OR ACADEMIC QUALIFICATION. ISN'T IT TIME TO FACE THE FACT THAT SOME STUDENTS ARE MORE EQUAL AND AFFLUENT THAN OTHERS? BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOME LIBERAL POLITICIANS SUGGEST THAT HEALTH INSURANCE BE MANDATORY BUT IF YOU CANNOT OR WILL NOT COOPERATE, THE GOVERNMENT - AGAIN IT'S YOUR MONEY HERE - WILL ASSIST YOU. ISN'T IT TIME THAT YOU TELL, NOT ASK WASHINGTON TO BUTT OUT OF YOUR AFFAIRS? . BELIEVE IT OR NOT, ANOTHER FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT HAS BEEN FILED FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY BY PARENTS WHO CAN’T PATROL THEIR OWN CHILDREN’S USE OF AN INTERNET CHAT ROOM CALLED MY SPACE. ISN’T IT TIME FOR PROPER, PRIOR PARENTING?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE SUPER RICH 1% OF AMERICANS HAVE PLENTY OF CASH. YET THEY PREFER TO MAKE MORE MONEY BY THE PRACTICE OF ARBITRAGE THAT LEVERAGES THE DIFFERENCES IN PERCENTAGES BETWEEN THE RETURNS ON LOANS. ISN'T IT TIME YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU TOO CAN FIND CONTENTMENT WITH MONEY LIKE THE SUPER RICH WHO DESIGN THEIR DEBT LOAD TO GUARANTEE EXTRA PROFITS?

ISN'T IT TIME YOU JUMPED INTO THE FRAY? WHY CONTINUE TO BE LEFT OUT OR OFF THE ROAD TO FINANCIAL SUCCESS? IT'S A WORLD OUT THERE WHERE BIG DOGS EAT WITH THE BIG DOGS OR GOVERNMENT FEEDS THE LITTLE DOGS WITH YOUR MONEY. SO PAY YOURSELF FIRST. PAY CASH. AVOID DEBT. DO THE RIGHT THING RATHER THAN FOLLOW THE EXAMPLES OF WASTE AND INJUSTICE - OF WHICH THERE ARE DROVES. BE SELF-SUFFICIENT, BE RESPONSIBLE, BE REALISTIC, BE INDEPENDENT, BE FRUGAL BECAUSE YOU ARE MORE THAN LIKELY UNLIKE THOSE WHO, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HAVE GAMED SOME SYSTEM OR BECOME VICTIMS IN ORDER TO GAIN FREE MONEY.

HINT: FREE MONEY FROM GOVERNMENT IS YOUR MONEY. WATCH OUT FOR YOURS. DO AS ADAM SMITH, THE ECONOMIST FROM THE TIME OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR IN AMERICA, SUGGESTS, LET GOOD EMERGE AS A BY PRODUCT OF YOUR SELFISHNESS.

UNCOMMON CENTS 69

CAN I DRAW A CONNECTION BETWEEN THE LACUNA OF LAW AND COMMON SENSE AS IT RELATES TO BOTH CAR SEATS FOR CHILDREN AND SAVING FOR YOUR FUTURE? EVEN IF I CAN'T, THE HILARITY OF LOOKING IS WORTH THE EFFORT. THIS IS PASSENGER SAFETY AWARENESS WEEK. CONSUMER REPORTS PANICKED PARENTS WITH AN ERRONEOUS REPORT THAT CHILD SAFETY SEATS ARE UNSAFE ( DUE TO FALSE DATA ABOUT THE SPEED AT WHICH SEATS WERE TESTED). THIS IRRELEVANCY ASIDE, A LOCAL COMMUNITY SERVICE HELPS PARENTS GUARANTEE PROPER USE OF THESE DEVICES. THE LAW, OF COURSE, MERELY STATES THAT A CHILD MUST BE IN A CAR SEAT. IT DOES NOT MANDATE THAT THE SEAT BE EFFECTIVE. BUT A VOLUNTARY, LOCAL CHECK STOP, MANNED BY QUALIFIED TECHNICIANS, HELPS HAPLESS PARENTS. THE SERVICE CHECK IS "INTENSE," AND THOROUGHLY EVALUATES AND INSTRUCTS THE PARENT. AT LEAST 20 MINUTES IS REQUIRED. A CUE WILL LIKELY FORM. PARENTS WITH MORE THAN 2 CHILDREN NEED NOT APPLY BECAUSE CARS CANNOT SAFELY HANDLE 3 OR 4 CAR SEATS. PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT TODDLERS MUST BE IN 'REAR-FACING' SEATS, THAT THE EXACT WEIGHT AND HEIGHT OF THE CHILD MUST BE MATCHED TO THE REQUIREMENTS OF EACH SEAT, THAT SEATS MUST BE REPLACED TO ADJUST TO NEED. ON AND ON WITH BREATHLESS SINCERITY AS IF INCOMPETENT PARENTING BEGINS AND ENDS BEHIND THE WHEEL. IT IS ASSUMED THAT THE DRIVER WILL CRASH, THAT AMERICANS ARE IDIOTS. THE UNENDING LITANY OF PRECAUTIONARY REQUIREMENTS BY REGULATORY DO-GOODERS WAS A HOOT. I HOOTED AND HOOTED.

LAUGHTER IS MY FIRST, BEST REMEDY. I HAVE NEVER OWNED A CAR SEAT. MY CHILDREN SURVIVED TO ADULTHOOD IN WHICH THEY ARE NOW LIVING WITH MESSAGES OF PROPER BEHAVIOR IN AND OUT OF AN AUTOMOBILE STILL DANCING IN THEIR HEADS. BUT WHERE DOES THE MESSAGE OF SAVING COME IN? SOMEWHERE WE MUST FILL THE GAP BETWEEN UNENDING LAWS AND COMMON SENSE. EACH AND EVERY DANGER ASSOCIATED WITH DAILY LIFE CANNOT BE ELIMINATED BY A REGULATION. THE REGULATORY AGENCY MUST INTERNAL AND PERSONAL. UNDESIRABLE CHOICES MUST BE RESTRAINED: ABANDONING CHILDREN STRAPPED INTO THEIR CAR SEATS IN HOT CARS, RECKLESS DRIVING, ABUSE OF CHILDREN'S INNOCENCE, FOUL LANGUAGE, LACK OF SELF CONTROL, INDISCRIMINATE CHOICES OF PLACES TO VISIT OR COMPANIONS TO KEEP AND UNCHECKED SPENDING PATTERNS.

HINT: THE DISCIPLINE OF A CAR SEAT IS A METAPHOR FOR THE NEED FOR DISCIPLINE WITH YOUR POCKET BOOK. A CRASH INTO BANKRUPTCY IS AVOIDABLE.

UNCOMMON CENTS 68

TAKE A CUE FROM THAT OLD ADAGE, "LET GEORGE DO IT." DON’T YOU STICK YOURSELF WITH FOOLISH SPENDING, LET THE FOOLS DO IT. LET HIM BURN THE CANDLES THAT FUEL A 746 MILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. DO YOU REALLY NEED A $5.00 A WEEK FIERY 'INVESTMENT' IN WAX AND PERFUME? LET HIM SHOP IN STORES WHERE PRICES ARE HIGHER AND CHECKOUT LINES SLOWER THAT REPRESENT AN INFRINGEMENT ON YOUR AUTONOMY. AN UPSIDE DOWN MIND SET BELIEVES THAT YOUR ARE NOT BETTER OFF SAVING MONEY ON A BOX OF PAPER CLIPS OR A REAM OF COPY PAPER AT DOLLAR TREE OR WAL-MART WHEN IDENTICAL PURCHASES COST MORE AT HOME DEPOT OR OFFICE MAX. LET GEORGE BUY PEPSI, BUD LITE OR NIKE TO SWILL OR STOMP BECAUSE THE ARTIFICIAL WORLD OF BRAND NAMES SUPPORTS FALSE SELF-ESTEEM. YOU COULD DEVELOP JUST AS ADDICTIVE A TASTE FOR A K COLA, A $19.00 SNEAKER OR A GOODWILL $2.00 SHOE BECAUSE IT SAVES YOU BIG BUCKS. LET GEORGE, THE SUPER RICH FAN OR THE WASTREL WHO SHOULDN'T CHANCE IT, PURCHASE A PERSONAL SEAT AT THE SUPER BOWL. DO YOU NEED TO BE AT THE GAME WHEN YOU CAN WATCH IT FROM THE FREE SEAT IN YOUR FAMILY ROOM? LET THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT CLOTHES DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE, WEAR PRAVDA, ARMANI OR TOM FORD. PRUDENCE SHOULD TELL YOU THAT YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THE HIGH FASHION WORLD OR, PERHAPS, IN THE GAP. LET GEORGE PUT THE BRAKES ON FREE TRADE AS SOME POLITICIANS WOULD LIKE TO DO, BUT DON'T LET YOURSELF SUCCUMB TO ANYTHING THAT STRIPS YOU OF FREE CHOICE. CHOOSE TO PROTECT YOUR MONEY AND YOUR FUTURE. YOU AND I KNOW THAT WE ARE PROBABLY IN THE 90% OF THE POPULATION WHOSE I.Q. FALLS BELOW THE EXCEPTIONAL LEVEL OF 120 AND ABOVE. WE REPRESENT THE GENERAL POPULACE IN AMERICA. WE ALSO KNOW THAT WE MAY EXERCISE OUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE AS OFTEN OR AS RARELY AS THE 10% OF THOSE WITH GIFTED I.Q.'S. SO LET'S GET AT IT. CUT AN EXPENSE HERE; SAVE A LITTLE SOMEWHERE.

HINT: DON'T LET GEORGE DO YOUR SPENDING (OR YOUR SAVING) FOR YOU OR YOU WILL LOSE TO STRANGERS, SMARTER OR LESS SMART THAN YOU, WHO GAIN YOUR DISCRETIONARY CASH.

UNCOMMON CENTS 67

WHAT TO DO? IN THE AGE GROUP 55-64 OF PROSPECTIVE RETIREES, THE HEAD OF THE TYPICAL HOUSEHOLD HAS LESS THAN $90,000 IN SAVINGS. HOW CAN ONE SURVIVE RETIREMENT THIS WAY? FINANCIAL ADVISERS RECOMMEND THAT 3 OR 4% A YEAR FROM EACH $100,000 WITHDRAWN FROM AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO, THAT IS, $4000, GUARANTEES YOU AN INCOME, BUT WHERE WILL THE 2ND $100,000 COME FROM? EXPERTS ALSO EXPLAIN THAT FROM RETIREMENT TO AGE 85, A PERIOD OF 20 YEARS, 1/20TH OF YOUR PORTFOLIO (SAVINGS OR INVESTMENTS) WILL TIDE YOU OVER. BUT WHERE IS THE PORTFOLIO IN THE FIRST PLACE? IF YOUR RETIREMENT LASTS 40 YEARS, 1/40TH WILL BE NECESSARY TO DO THE JOB, BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THE SIMPLE DIVISION IF NO PORTFOLIO ALLOWS YOU TO DO SO? ANALYSTS FURTHER SUGGEST A SIMPLE, INCOME ANNUITY FOR RETIREES WHICH MEANS THAT AFTER TURNING OVER A LUMP SUM TO AN INVESTMENT ENTITY, IT IN TURN DISTRIBUTES A SET PERCENTAGE OF THE MONEY TO YOU OVER TIME OR RE-INVESTS IT BACK INTO YOUR CAPITAL. THE CATCH IS THAT THE 'LUMP SUM' MUST EXIST, MUST BE A SUBSTANTIAL, SAY $10,000.

WHAT TO DO? TYPICALLY, HEADS OF HOUSEHOLD HAVE LESS THAN $90,000 IN SAVINGS BY AGE 55 TO 64 WHEN RETIREMENT LOOMS. BABY BOOMERS WHO ARE NEARING RETIREMENT, BEWARE! YOUNG WORKERS WHO HAVE A FUTURE TO FUND, BEWARE! IGNORE ANY APPEALING BUT ILLOGICAL SOUND BITE FROM FINANCIAL CONSULTANTS. ONE SUCH SILLY QUIP, "KEEP OFF THE POUNDS BECAUSE IT IS AS IMPORTANT AS INCREASING DOLLARS IN YOUR INVESTMENT PORTFOLIOS" IS MERELY DESIGNED TO LINE THE POCKETS OF THE FINANCIAL PLANNERS. SUCH NONSENSE WILL NOT KEEP POUNDS OFF YOUR WAISTLINE AS IT ADDS MONEY INTO YOUR PORTFOLIO. ONLY COMMON SENSE AND A CONSISTENT APPROACH TO EATING AND INVESTING WILL REAP LONG-TERM HEALTH AND WEALTH REWARDS.

HINT: DON'T POUND THE PAVEMENT AT MARATHONS. POUND OUT A REASONABLE BUDGET AND STAY WITHIN YOUR MEANS. THE STARTING LINE FORMS NOW.

UNCOMMON CENTS 66

WHAT TO DO? CONTRADICTIONS ABOUND. THE POOR ARE GETTING RICHER BUT LIBERALS CLAIM WORKERS NEED A HIGHER MINIMUM WAGE. THIS WILL, HOWEVER, CAUSE JOB LOSSES DUE TO ADDITIONAL EXPENSES TO EMPLOYERS. RECOGNIZING THIS, HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI TRIED TO EXEMPT EMPLOYEES IN SAMOA FROM THE MINIMUM WAGE HIKE BECAUSE THEIR EMPLOYER, STAR KIST , A COMPANY IN HER CALIFORNIA DISTRICT, WOULD SUFFER FROM THIS PROPOSAL.

ORGANIC PRODUCE MAKES NO ECONOMIC SENSE OR ADDS NO NUTRITIONAL ADVANTAGE YET 14 BILLION DOLLARS WAS PULLED IN BY THE ORGANIC FOOD INDUSTRY IN 2005 AT A GROWTH RATE OF 20%.

A STUDY SAYS WE EAT MORE IF WE LIKE A FOOD OR BEVERAGE. DUH. A NUTRITIONAL EXPERT SUGGESTS THAT WE EAT CHIPS, WHICH WE OBVIOUSLY LIKE, ONLY ON DAYS WE EXERCISE. DO WE LIKE TO EXERCISE?

A STUDY HAS JUST DETERMINED - PERHAPS IT TOO HAD AN AGENDA - THAT AMERICA IS THE MOST INNOVATIVE NATION, YET OTHER DATA CLAIMS THAT OUR INTELLECTUAL ABILITY, THE 'G' IS INNATE AND GENETICALLY LIMITED.

WHAT TO DO? WHY EDUCATE ONE'S SELF WITH THE LATEST OR GREATEST AMOUNT OF INFORMATION WHEN CONTRACTIONS NAME THE GAME?

AMERICA IS THE 4TH ‘MOST FREE’ COUNTRY ON THE GLOBE, YET HER GREATNESS APPARENTLY LIES WITHIN THE FREEDOM GRANTED HER CITIZENS TO SPEND, NOT SAVE MONEY. OUR SAVINGS RATE HAS GONE SOUTH, WHERE REPRESSION, IN SOUTH AMERICA AND AFRICA, HOLDS BACK FREEDOM, PROSPERITY AND PROGRESS.

IS MY CALL TO PRUDENT CHEAPNESS ATAVISTIC? IS MY PLEA TO ENGAGE IN FINANCIAL PLANNING AN ANACHRONISM? AM I OUT OF STEP? HAVE AMERICANS MOVED BEYOND THE MEANS TO RESTRAIN THEMSELVES? WILL SOCIAL SECURITY, COMPANY PENSIONS, WELFARE, MEDICARE, MEDICAID AND 401K PLANS SUFFICIENTLY PROVIDE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS OF RETIREES? DOES UNCONTROLLED SPENDING CONTRADICT THE CONCEPT OF SELF-RELIANCE?

HINT: SAVE AND INVEST.

UNCOMMON CENTS 65

'WHY SHOULD I BOTHER TO SAVE? WE ONLY LIVE ONCE AND DO NOT KNOW FOR HOW LONG. WHY SHOULDN'T I SPEND, BORROW, FINANCE - EVERYONE ELSE DOES IT? IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.' TO BOLSTER THIS PHILOSOPHY I JUST HEARD A COMMERCIAL THAT ENCOURAGED BUYERS TO "PUT IT ON A LOWE'S CREDIT CARD AND ASK FOR SPECIAL FINANCING."

MY ANSWER PERSISTS - PRECISELY BECAUSE ONE HAS ONE LIFE TO LIFE, WE SHOULD LIVE WISELY. WE SHOULD NOT BECOME A BURDEN UPON OTHERS FOR WANT OF SELF- SUFFICIENCY, SELF-RELIANCE, INTEGRITY OR RESPONSIBILITY. THE ALTERNATIVE IS RECKLESSNESS AND VICTIMHOOD IN OUR GOLDEN YEARS. WHICH YIDDISH TERM IS APPROPRIATE FOR ONE WHO WOULD BE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO GO DOWN A ROAD TO PENURY? WHY BECOME A SCHLEMEIL OR A SCHLIMAZEL, AN EASY DUPE? OR A SCHLEP WHO MAKES HIS OR HER FINANCIAL JOURNEY DIFFICULT? WHY ALLOW YOURSELF TO LIVE A SCHLOCKY RETIREMENT BY FALLING FOR THE 'YOU DESERVE IT' SCHMALTZ OF ADVERTISERS? OR THE ALLURE OF POPULIST SCHMOOZE. THE BUY NOW PAY LATER SCHTICK WILL MAKE YOU A SCHMUCK IN THE LONG RUN.

THE AMERICAN COLLOQUIALISM MOST APT TO ANSWER THE ONLY ‘ONE LIFE TO LIFE’ JUSTIFICATION WHICH APPEALS TO THE ANGEL OF OUR CONSUMER NATURE, IS - "SHOVE IT." DON'T IMITATE THE 1950'S CULTURAL DESIGNATIONS OF SCHNOOK OR SCHMO BY BLOWING ALL YOUR INCOME ON ACQUISITIONS. SAVE THAT $50 FROM A COUNSELING SESSION, FINANCE CHARGES, ICE CREAM OR CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM SWANNS' OR FROM ALLEN BROTHERS’ STEAKS. SAVE $50 AS AN INSURANCE POLICY. SAVE 50'S UNTIL THEY AFFORD YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO INVEST IN A MUTUAL FUND OF STOCKS. DISCIPLINE YOURSELF AND YOUR SCHNOZZLE WILL BE POINTED TOWARD A FULFILLING RETIREMENT DURING WHICH PERIOD YOU CAN RUB NOSES WITH SMART, WEALTHY FELLOWS.

HINT: $50 FOR 50 YEARS MAY MEAN $284 OR $1952 OR ZILCH.

UNCOMMON CENTS 64

SAVVY CAL'S 1ST SEMESTER FINANCES TEST:
1. WHO DO YOU PAY FIRST? YOURSELF
2. HOW DO YOU PAY #1? CASH
3. WHAT'S THE 3RD 'ROAD TO WEALTH' RULE? AVOID DEBT
4. HOW MANY MONTHS CASH SHOULD YOU PUT INTO RESERVE IN BANK?
THREE TO SIX MONTHS. FOR EX., $2000 A MONTH INCOME = $6000.00 BANKED. P.S. AFTER WHICH THE FUN GAME OF INVESTING MAY BEGIN.
5. WHAT PERCENT OF SALARY SHOULD YOU SAVE EACH MONTH? 15%
6. IS A 401K AN INVESTMENT ACCOUNT? EXPLAIN. A 401K IS A RETIREMENT PLAN. MONEY YOU CONTRIBUTE FROM EACH PAYCHECK (AND PERHAPS MONEY CONTRIBUTED EQUALLY BY YOUR EMPLOYER) CAN BE PUT INTO ONE OF THREE CHOICES. A FIXED ACCOUNT, SAVINGS, LIKE A CD OR AN INVESTMENT ACCOUNT LIKE A MUTUAL FUND OR INTO COMPANY STOCK. SKIP THE FIRST CHOICES WHICH PROVIDES NO POTENTIAL FOR PROFIT AND THE THIRDWHICH DEPENDS ON THE FINANCIAL SUCCESS OR FAILURE OF YOUR EMPLOYER. CHOOSE THE MIDDLE GROUND, A DIVERSIFIED STOCK FUND FOR LONG-TERM RESULTS.
7. SHOULD YOU INVEST? a. in a savings account, or b. the stock market. YOU HAVE BY NOW GUESSED FROM THE ANSWER TO #6. A BALANCED MUTUAL FUND OF STOCKS.
8. IF ANS. TO 7 IS b. WHAT KINDS OF FUNDS DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR STOCKS? DO I HEAR AN ECHO?
9. IF ANS. TO 7 IS a. WHAT KIND OF SAVINGS ACCOUNT DO YOU RECOMMEND? THE ANSWER TO #7 IS NOT A SAVINGS ACCOUNT BUT BEFORE DISCRETIONARY CASH IS AVAILABLE, CASH RESERVES SHOULD BE PUT INTO A MONEY MARKET FUND BECAUSE IT CARRIES A HIGHER INTEREST RATE THAN A BANK ACCOUNT OR A CHECKING ACCOUNT AND MONEY NEEDED FOR EMERGENCIES MAY BE PROMPTLY WITHDRAWN.
10. WHICH QUESTION IS MOST INFLUENTIAL OUT OF THESE TOP 10? I HOPE YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT SAVVY CAL MEANS 'IMPORTANT' HERE. ANSWER: PAY YOURSELF FIRST.

AFTER THIS TOP 10 COUNTDOWN - REMEMBER DAVID LETTERMAN'S HUMOROUS SCALE - YOU MIGHT ASK YOURSELF WHETHER HOME, AUTO OR LIFE INSURANCE ARE NECESSARY. YOU MIGHT ASK YOURSELF IF YOU NEED A WILL EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE. HINT: 3 OUT OF THESE 4 ARE MUST HAVE'S. WHAT ARE THEY? HOME, AUTO AND A LIVING WILL.
ESSAY QUESTION: CITE 10 EXAMPLES OF YOUR SILLY SPENDING. I DID MY PART HERE WITH THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF THE UNFATHOMABLE GAS GUZZLER ACROSS MY LANE. BY THE WAY, THE TRUCK IS OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY ANOTHER TRUCK FOR THE SHORT TRIPS.
K.I.S.S.

UNCOMMON CENTS 64

TIME FOR THE 1ST SEMESTER FINANCES TEST.

1. WHO DO YOU PAY FIRST?

2. WHAT IS THE BEST METHOD OF MAKING PURCHASES?

3. WHAT'S THE 3RD 'ROAD TO WEALTH' RULE?

4. HOW MANY MONTHS CASH RESERVE SHOULD YOU PUT INTO THE BANK?

5. WHAT PERCENT OF SALARY SHOULD YOU SAVE EACH MONTH?

6. IS A 401K AN INVESTMENT ACCOUNT? EXPLAIN.

7. SHOULD YOU INVEST? a. in a savings account, or
b. the stock market

8. IF ANS. TO 7 IS b. WHAT KINDS OF MUTUAL FUNDS DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR STOCKS?

9. IF ANS. TO 7 IS a. WHAT ALTERNATIVE TO A SAVINGS ACCOUNT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?

10. WHICH QUESTION IS MOST INFLUENTIAL OUT OF THESE TOP 10?

AFTER THIS TOP 10 COUNTDOWN - LIKE DAVID LETTERMAN'S HUMOROUS SCALES - YOU MIGHT ASK YOURSELF WHETHER HOME, AUTO OR LIFE INSURANCE ARE NECESSARY. YOU MIGHT ASK YOURSELF IF YOU NEED A WILL EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE. HINT: 3 OUT OF THESE 4 ARE MUST HAVE'S.

ESSAY QUESTION: CITE 10 EXAMPLES OF YOUR SILLY SPENDING. FOR EXAMPLE, I SIGHTED A TRUCK THAT ARRIVED 6 TIMES (HAVING LEFT 6 TIMES ) AT A NEARBY BARN WITHIN A 4 HOUR PERIOD THIS MORNING. WHERE DID THE DRIVER GO? AT $2.00 A GALLON FOR GAS, WHAT WAS THIS DRIVER THINKING? OR WAS HE?

UNCOMMON CENTS 63

HOW DO YOU GET RICH? YOU COULD TRANSMIGRATE INTO AN OVER-PRICED AND OVER-RATED DAVID BECKHAM WHO JUST PULLED DOWN A DEAL FOR $250,000,000 OVER 5 YEARS TO PLAY SOCCER IN THE U.S. IMPOSSIBLE YOU SAY? OR IS IT JUST AS IMPOSSIBLE TO RECOVER THE $26.00 EACH WEEK PAID OUT AT THE RATE OF 15% TO A CREDIT CARD COMPANY ON A BALANCE OF $9000.00 FOR A YEAR?

IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE, HOWEVER, TO START SAVING 15% OF YOUR INCOME EACH MONTH AND TO RE-CONSIDER UNNECESSARY SPENDING. ON MY RECENT SHOPPING EXCURSIONS I WITNESSED WASTE OF MONEY GALORE. A DOG KENNEL FOR $219.00 - UNNECESSARY WHEN MAN'S BEST FRIEND SHOULD BE HOUSED WITH YOU. AN 8 LB. BAG OF IAMS DOG FOOD FOR $9.99 - UNNECESSARY WHEN A NUTRITIONALLY COMPLETE REPLACEMENT COULD FEED FIDO WITH A 15 LB. BAG FOR $5.00. A $1.18 BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW SNATCHED FROM A COOLER AND BOUGHT BY AN OVERWEIGHT YOUNG GIRL - UNNECESSARY IF SHE NEEDED LIQUID REPLENISHMENT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SATISFIED BY A TRIP TO ONE OF 3 FOUNTAINS NEARBY SPOUTING H20. A BASIC CARTON OF CIGARETTES FOR $33.99 - AS UNNECESSARY AS THE BOX OF NICARETTE CHEWING GUMS FOR $34.00 IF A PERSON MADE THE SENSIBLE DECISION TO FOREGO PEER APPROVAL, REJECT CIGARETTES AND OPT FOR PERSONAL SELF-ESTEEM. AN OUTLAY OF $19.99 AT AMAZON.COM FOR A NEW BOOK - UNNECESSARY FOR A PERIOD OF A FEW WEEKS OR MONTHS UNTIL THE SAME READING IS AVAILABLE FREE FROM A LOCAL LIBRARY. A $9.99 MOVIE DVD - UNNECESSARY FOR A NIGHT'S RELAXATION WHEN LIBRARY SELECTIONS ARE FREE. A $9.00 TANNING SESSION - UNNECESSARY. RATHER PRUDENCE SUGGESTS YOU NOT PASS UP THE FRESH TOMATOES IN THE PRODUCE SECTION BECAUSE THEY FOSTER THAT INNER GLOW.

HINT: A TRIP TO A DISCOUNT FOODS MART WILL PUT EXTRA CASH INTO YOUR POCKET THAT A TRIP TO THE 7-11, CONVENIENCE OR DRIVE-THRU STORE TAKES AWAY. RESIST THAT INNER 'THIEF' TRYING TO STEAL YOUR PURSE. YOU CAN RECOVER THAT $26.00 PER WEEK.

UNCOMMON CENTS 62

68,000 CHARITABLE FOUNDATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES CONTROL 500 BILLION IN ASSETS AND ISSUE 34 BILLION IN GRANTS EACH YEAR. WHAT ARE YOU DONATING TO YOURSELF? EVEN THE EXPERTS IN FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT RECOMMEND THAT YOU FIRST BECOME 'DEBT FREE' IN ORDER TO PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE. AMERICAN FAMILIES CARRY ABOUT $9,000 IN CREDIT CARD DEBT ALONE. WITH THIS OUTLAY HOW CAN AMERICAN WORKERS SAVE 15% OF THEIR SALARIES - $4500 A YEAR ON AN INCOME OF $30,000 ), AS ANALYSTS SUGGEST? DATA SHOWS THAT SAVINGS ARE IN NEGATIVE TERRITORY. IT IS TEMPTING TO SET ASIDE OUR INDIVIDUAL BURDENS OF FREEDOM TO CHOOSE PROFLIGATE SPENDING HABITS. SOME SHOW CALLED POKER.NET PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION 24/7 AT THE SAME TIME THAT CASINOS ACROSS AMERICA AND IN CANADA DO LAND OFFICE BUSINESS AS THEY TEMPT GAMBLERS TO ‘BLOW’ BIG BUCKS . WE CANNOT ALL BECOME RICH AND FAMOUS ATHLETES, ENTERTAINERS, POLITICIANS, HEDGE FUND MANAGERS, CEO'S, INVESTMENT BANKERS, SILICON VALLEY ENTREPRENEURS OR LOTTERY WINNERS.

WHAT TO DO? MY EXPERT ADVICE BEGINS WITH PAYING YOURSELF FIRST. PAYING CASH. ELIMINATING DEBT. SUCH ADVICE IS USELESS, HOWEVER, TO THOSE AMERICANS WHO SPEND EVERY CENT OF INCOME INCLUDING THE YEARLY BOON OF THE INCOME TAX REFUND. ADVANCE PAYOFFS ALREADY ARE ENTICING CITIZENS TO OBTAIN THEIR 'RAPID REFUND.' WHEN WILL A CERTAIN AND PREDICTABLE PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION LEARN? NEVER - UNLESS OR UNTIL SOME PENALTY FOR LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY ENSUES. OR A BELIEF IN THE SENSIBLE THING TRIUMPHS OVER WHAT'S LEGAL AND FUN. MEANWHILE, EITHER THE DREAM OF GETTING RICH QUICK OR THE LOST HOPE OF NEVER GETTING AHEAD WILL PREVENT AMERICANS FROM PRUDENTLY BUILDING FUTURE WEALTH ONE DAY AT A TIME.

HINT: A WINNING HAND IN POKER - AND IN LIFE- WOULD BE TO HOLD ONTO YOUR CASH AND INVEST IT IN YOUR FUTURE.

UNCOMMON CENTS 61

WE NEED TO RE-FAMILIARIZE OURSELVES WITH THE GREAT COMMUNICATOR, RONALD REAGAN. IN HIS GREAT 1964 SPEECH, WHICH CATAPULTED HIM INTO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY LIMELIGHT, HE TOLD A POLITICAL JOKE ABOUT A THIN MAN AND A FAT MAN. A LIBERAL WOULD ASSESS THE FAT MAN'S PROBLEM NOT AS THE RESULT OF OVER-EATING - THE CONSERVATIVE VIEW - BUT AS THE RESULT OF HIS TAKING FOOD FROM THE THIN PERSON. THIS ANECDOTE ILLUSTRATES THE PERVERSE THINKING OF LIBERALS WHICH IS TYPICALLY PESSIMISTIC, SUSPICIOUS AND FAULT-FINDING. MR. REAGAN (LATER U.S. PRESIDENT) CONTINUED IN HIS SPEECH TO DENY THE NEED FOR CONVENIENT LABELS AS LEFT AND RIGHT BUT RATHER HE ADVOCATED THE USE OF UP AND DOWN. CONSERVATIVES, HE KNEW REPRESENTED OPTIMISM; LIBERALS DOOM AND GLOOM. TO RE-PHRASE REAGAN, I SAY THAT AMERICA EITHER LOOKS UP OR IT WILL GO DOWN ( INTO IGNOMINY). AND WE SLIDE PERCEPTIVELY ALREADY.

AMERICANS SLIDE BACKWARDS EACH YEAR IN THEIR SAVINGS AND SELF-SUFFICIENCY. WHEN A WORKER FROM 1957 SCRAPED TOGETHER $50.00 BY FORGOING THAT ADDITIONAL DRESS OR SUIT OR BY RE-SOLEING THAT PAIR OF SHOES OR BY FINDING SATISFACTION IN JUST ONE EXPENSIVE STRAND OF PEARLS, HE OR SHE INVESTED IT IN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT OR, IF SAVVY, INTO THE STOCK MARKET. THE TYPICAL "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER FAMILY" WOULD HAVE BEEN REWARDED WITH $284 IN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT OR $1,952. IN THE STOCK MARKET BY 2007. LIFE IS MUCH SIMPLER - NOT MORE COMPLICATED - TODAY. BY A SIMPLE TRIP TO THE COMPUTER, A YOUNG PERSON MAY CLICK HIS WAY INTO A BROAD-BASED MUTUAL FUND. $50.00 OF 50 YEARS AGO AS A STARTER WOULD NEED TO BE ABOUT $500.00 NOW.

HOW DO YOU SAVE $500 OR $5000? IF A NEW HOME COSTS AN AVERAGE OF $241,400, FIND ONE PRE-OWNED OR IN A LESS TONY AREA THAT COSTS THOUSANDS LESS. IF A HARVARD EDUCATION COSTS $31,665, FIND A LOCAL COLLEGE OR AN INTERNET UNIVERSITY THAT COSTS THOUSANDS LESS. IF EGGS COST $1.29 A DOZEN AT KROGER, $2.29 AT WHOLE FOODS OR $.89 AT ANOTHER POPULAR ESTABLISHMENT, THE CHOICE IS CLEAR. IF COFFEE COSTS $1.99 A POUND IN A LARGE CAN, BUT $4.99 A POUND FOR GOURMET OR FRESH GROUND, REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN APPRECIATE ECONOMY AND COMMON SENSE WHEN THEY BUILD PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP IN YOUR FUTURE.

A HOME IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT, NOT ITS CONSTRUCTION OR CONTENTS.

AN EDUCATION IS WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT, NOT HOW HIGH THE STATUS OF THE PHYSICAL INSTITUTION.

AN EGG IS AN EGG NO MATTER HOW YOU CRACK AND COOK IT.

ONE JAVA IN A CUP OF FRESH, HOT COFFEE IS NO DIFFERENT FROM ANOTHER, OVERPRICED BEAN.

HINT: A DOLLAR SAVED IS A DOLLAR EARNED WHEN YOU INVEST FOR THE LONG TERM.

P.S. MOST OF US WILL NOT BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A ONE MILLION DOLLAR BUYOUT FOR A TRAILER ON FLORIDA'S WATERFRONT. MOST OF US WILL NEED TO BUILD OUR PRIVATE RETIREMENT HOME.

UNCOMMON CENTS 60

WHAT A ROUT! NOT OSU'S LOSS TO THE GATORS BUT THE FLIGHT OF MONEY, NEWLY WASTED ON A 'ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME' INCONSEQUENTIAL EXPERIENCE. CHARACTERISTICALLY, CONFIDENCE RUNS HIGH FOR OHIO STATE FANS. SIMILARLY, 82% OF AMERICANS ARE VERY OR SOMEWHAT CONFIDENT THAT THEY WILL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MEET BASIC EXPENSES AFTER RETIREMENT. DELUSION ABOUNDS. WHY? THIS IS AMERICA, OF COURSE. SACRIFICE AND SAVING, A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD, MUST BE AVOIDED BECAUSE IT WOULD CUT INTO THE LIFESTYLES OF SPOILED AMERICANS. WHAT TO DO?

THE COSTS OF GOODS SINCE 1957 HAVE RISEN DRAMATICALLY. EGGS AT $.45 A DOZEN NOW COST $1.26, REPRESENTING A 280% INCREASE IN PRICE. COMPUTATIONS FOR OTHER ITEMS FROM 1957 SHOW THAT MILK IS UP 329%, A HARVARD DEGREE, 395%, COFFEE, 455%, SUGAR, 463%, GAS, 973%, MIDDLE INCOMES, 930% AND A NEW HOME, A DRAMATIC, 1700%. BUT WHAT HAVE INDIVIDUAL AMERICANS INVESTED SINCE 1957? IF THEY HAD INVESTED JUST $50.00 IN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT, IT WOULD BE UP 568% TO $284.00 IN 2007. $50.00 INVESTED IN THE STOCK MARKET'S DJIA, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE OF STOCKS, WOULD BE UP 3900% TO $1952.00 TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOUR WAITING FOR? A BUCKEYE COMEBACK? 3900% OVER 50 YEARS WOULD DESTROY THE COMPETITION FOR A SMART LONG-TERM SAVINGS ACCOUNT. PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE THE SUN EVENTUALLY SHINES - INTO A MUTUAL FUND OR A STOCK FUND NOW SO THAT IT CAN GROW AND GROW FOR YEARS TO COME.

HINT: DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY PLAYING SILLY GAMES THAT JEOPARDIZE YOUR FUTURE SECURITY.

UNCOMMON CENTS 59

I AM PROUD TO BE ONE OF THOSE WHO AN OHIO TRUSTEE SAID IF " I DIDN'T CHANGE FOR THIS GAME"... I "MIGHT NEED A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAM.." MY PSYCHE RUNS SO COUNTER TO OHIO SPORTS' CULTURE THAT I THINK IT WOULD BE PLEASANTLY IRONIC IF THE CRYSTAL FOOTBALL WERE ACCIDENTALLY SMASHED BY THE 'SMASHED' REVELERS SO TYPICAL OF FOOTBALL MADNESS. NOT ONLY DO THE CELEBRATORS (OR LOSERS) ENGAGE IN CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, BUT THEY ALSO ARE EMBRACED FOR THEIR ENTHUSIASM AND TEAM SPIRIT. OH WELL. ANY EXCUSE TO WASTE TIME AND MONEY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR 'REAL' AMERICANS. 36,000 FANS FLEW TO ARIZONA FOR THE GAME. A MAUI TIME SHARE, A LOTTERY, A USED CAR, AN E-BAY AUCTION, A SCALPER - ANY VEHICLE FOR TRADE GEARED UP FOR TICKET SALES. MONEY WASTED ALL AROUND FOR FLEETING, PERSONAL GRATIFICATION RATIONALIZED BY FANS TO LAST A LIFETIME. BEATS ME WHY CONGRESS MUST ADJOURN EARLY, GOVERNMENT ENTITIES SHUT DOWN AND TELEVISIONS TURN ON FOR THE HYPE AND THE HIP ASPIRATIONAL RICH AND ACADEMICALLY POOR HOPPED UP ATHLETES. IF $100,000 IS NEEDED FOR MEDICAL EXPENSES AFTER RETIREMENT FOR THE TYPICAL AMERICAN, NOT A DOLLAR OF IT IS BEING SAVED OR INVESTED WHEN IT FINANCES OSU MANIA. SADLY, THE ROUTINE BEHAVIOR OF OHIOANS AND AMERICANS DOES NOT PROVIDE FOR SELF-RESTRAINT EITHER.

HINT: WIN, LOSE OR DRAW, THE GAME OF ACCUMULATING WEALTH GOES ON. GO BUCK THE TREND AND SAVE YOUR MONEY!

UNCOMMON CENTS 58

RECENTLY I PURCHASED A $1.00 RECYCLED PUZZLE ORIGINALLY MARKED $5.99 WHICH WAS UNWORKED AND UNAPPRECIATED BY ANY DILIGENT PUZZLE PERSON. THE ART WORK FEATURED A 1996 VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF THE ARTIST'S INSPIRATION THAT "OUR PLANET AS WE'VE KNOWN IT IS RAPIDLY DISAPPEARING. IF WE ARE TO SAVE OURSELVES " ... "WE NEED TO BECOME A GLOBAL SOCIETY, AWAKE AND AWARE, AND WILLING TO WORK TOGETHER IN A NEW ATMOSPHERE OF LOVE, RESPONSIBILITY, AND HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS."

TELL THAT TO THOSE PEOPLE LIVING UNDER UNDEMOCRATIC AND AUTHORITARIAN 'LEADERS' IN VARIOUS COUNTRIES OF OUR "DISAPPEARING" WORLD. OUR WORLD IS NOT DISAPPEARING; WHAT'S DISAPPEARING ARE THE MEANS FOR INDIVIDUALS TO SUSTAIN THEIR LIVES IN IT. THE ARTIST, "SCHIM" SCHIMMEL HAS EMBRACED A FEEL GOOD, FALSE RELIGION. BEAUTIFUL SNOW LEOPARDS (THE PUZZLE'S PRESENTATION) ARE MEANINGLESS TO THOSE WHOSE LIBERTARIAN IMPULSES ARE DENIED. FREEDOM SHOULD BE GUARANTEED TO MEN AND WOMEN WHO THEN CAN CHOOSE TO ‘MAKE A LIVING.’ ENVIRONMENTALISTS WISH TO GUARANTEE A LIFE TO NATURE’S WILD CREATURES. ONLY WHEN EACH INDIVIDUAL IS ALLOWED TO PURSUE HIS OWN SELF-INTEREST, WHICH USUALLY INVOLVES A MEANS TO SURVIVE AND OWNERSHIP OF A SMALL PIECE OF REAL ESTATE, CAN THE UPWARD PROGRESS OF CIVILIZATION BE GUARANTEED.

MR. "SCHIM" SCHIMMEL, BY SUPPORTING THE ENVIRONMENTALISTS' RELIGION, BECOMES A SCHLEMIEL AND A SCHMUCK. PAINTED PICTURES OF PANTHERS HUGGING THE GLOBE WILL NEVER PUT WEALTH INTO THE POCKETS OF INHABITANTS OF THE COUNTRIES THAT ARE STEWARDS TO BEAUTIFUL SNOW LEOPARDS. BETTER THE STRUGGLING MASSES SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PROMOTE FREE TRADE AND/OR TOURISM FOR THEIR ECONOMIC REWARDS. ENVIRONMENTALISTS, HOWEVER, WOULD RATHER BUILD SANCTUARIES WHERE THE MAGNIFICENT CATS WOULD BE PROTECTED FROM HUMAN INTERVENTION. "LOVE, RESPONSIBILITY AND HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS" TO THE MARGINALIZED ARE ONLY PLATONIC IDEALS. DON'T SUPPORT A SCHMUCKY CAUSE OR ITS FOLLOWERS. ASSEMBLE A CHEAP PUZZLE AND SAVE MONEY. PAY YOURSELF PROPERLY FOR YOUR RETIREMENT. PRAY FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.

HINT: DON'T BE A SCHIMMEL, SCHMUCK OR SCHLEMIEL; PRESERVE YOURSELF BY SPENDING YOUR DOLLARS WISELY AND WELL.

UNCOMMON CENTS 57

THINK GREEN - AS IN MONEY NOT IN ENVIRONMENTAL CORRECTNESS. A COFFEE BEAN THAT PROMOTES PEACE, FAIR TRADE, EDUCATION AND ORGANIC STEWARDSHIP SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TURE. GUEST WHAT? IT IS! WHAT MATTERS IS THAT A 100% ORGANIC COFFEE GOWN BY SAINTLY PRIESTS COSTS $11.00 FOR A 12 OUNCE BAG. NO MORAL JUSTIFICATION ON EARTH CAN BE MADE FOR THIS PURCHASE - EVEN TO BALANCE ECONOMIC UNFAIRNESS OF LIFE IN SOME PLACES AROUND THE GLOBE. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT IT MIGHT BE LEGAL, BUT THE ETHICS ARE QUESTIONABLE TO SPEND $11 FOR 12 OUNCES OF COFFEE WHEN 32 OUNCES CAN BE HAD FOR $3.29 AT A LOCAL RETAIL ESTABLISHMENT, IN BUSINESS, BY THE WAY, FOR PROFIT JUST LIKE THE GREEN COFFEE COMPANY.

THINK GREEN. SAVE MONEY, INVEST IT FOR YOUR FUTURE. PRAY FOR THE IMPOVERISHED WORKERS, A CHARITABLE CONTRIBUTION FAR MORE EFFECTIVE IN HUMAN TERMS THAN ANY OVER-PRICED AND OVER-RATED BEANS.

HINT: DON'T SPILL THE BEANS AND WASTE CASH AT THE SAME TIME.

UNCOMMON CENTS 56

WHY DO 50 MILLION AMERICANS A DAY PATRONIZE MCDONALD'S? THOUGH ONLY 1/6TH OF THE TOTAL POPULATION, YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT SMALL CHILDREN AND HOME BODIED NERDS ARE EXCLUDED. TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY TO THE SAVINGS RATE, 48 BILLION DOLLARS IS RACKED UP EACH YEAR BY MCDONALD'S, BURGER KING AND STARBUCKS TOGETHER FOR BREAKFAST FARE. AGAIN, SMALL CHILDREN WITHOUT PURCHASING POWER AND HOME BODIED NERDS WITH SOME SEMBLANCE OF RESIDUAL BRAIN POWER ARE EXCLUDED. SNACKING ON FAST FOOD REMAINS LEGAL, BUT HOW CLOSE TO WRONG IS IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR THAT DOES NOT CONSIDER THE TWIN VALUES OF PROPER NUTRITION AND SAVING MONEY? ARE AMERICANS TOO BUSY, SPOILED OR UNORGANIZED TO PREPARE A DECENT BREAKFAST AT HOME? A BOWL OF OATMEAL ALONE OR PAIRED WITH A PREFERRED FRUIT, TOAST OR SAUSAGE AND A HOT DRINK WOULD COST LESS THAN A BUCK.

OF COURSE, FEEDING OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN CARELESSLY RESEMBLES OUR CONGRESS FEASTING ON PORK, SPECIAL INTEREST EARMARKS FOR MEMBERS TO SPEND ON THEIR RESPECTIVE DISTRICTS, TO THE TUNE OF ABOUT 62 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. THEY KNOW IT'S NOT ILLEGAL WHEN THEY SNEAK THIS WASTE INTO SPENDING BILLS. BUT IS IT MORAL? WE AMERICANS SHOULD ALSO REALIZE THAT THERE IS A MORAL WAY TO EXPEND OUR INCOMES. THERE'S AN ETHICAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OCCASIONAL TREAT OF AN 'INSTITUTIONAL', 'FRANCHISED,' CONVENIENT OR FAST FOOD EXPERIENCE AND A HABIT.

HINT: BAD HABITS DIE HARD. BETTER TO AVOID THE HABIT AND EAT AT HOME.

UNCOMMON CENTS 55

PAY YOURSELF FIRST, PAY CASH AND AVOID DEBTS. WHAT IF YOU ARE FOLLOWING ALL THREE OF THESE STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM, BUT MANAGE TO BECOME A BREATHING EXAMPLE OF THE IRRATIONAL INCONGRUITY OF CHEAPNESS? LORD FORBID. FIRST HAND I CAN ATTEST TO A PERSON NEVER PARTAKING OF A HOMEMADE MEAL BUT IN ORDER TO CUT COSTS, MANDATES WATER ONLY FOR HIS CHILDREN IN RESTAURANTS. GRANTED, HE REALIZES THE RIDICULOUSLY HIGH-PROFIT MARGIN ON SOFT DRINKS, BUT WITH HIS ATTRACTION TO MOUNTAIN DEW, THIS MARKETING REALITY IS IGNORED. ALSO, MY EXAMPLE SPENDS HOURS OF HIS TIME CONSUMING GAS BY DAILY DRIVING HERE AND THERE ON THE ROADS AND HIGHWAYS WHILE AT THE SAME TIME LOWERING HIS HOME THERMOSTAT TO A PERMANENT 60 DEGREES TO CONSERVE ON ELECTRICITY BILLS. IN ADDITION, A TIME SHARE CONDOMINIUM OR A FOUR-WHEELER TOY IS WITHIN THE REALM OF ACCEPTANCE TO THIS MAN, BUT SHARING THE BILL AND TIP OF A RECREATIONAL DINNER WITH SIBLINGS IS NOT.

THE INCOME GAP IN A SOCIETY IS ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE FROM TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS AN ECONOMY PROFITS; WITHOUT PROFITS AN ECONOMY IS STAGNANT. WHAT SHOULD BE DONE, HOWEVER, WHEN AN AMERICAN’S COMMON SENSE REGRESSES EVEN THOUGH HIS INCOME RISES? WHEN IRRATIONAL SELF-INTEREST IS ANNOYING AND DETRIMENTAL? WHEN THE INHERENT HUBRIS OF SELF-GRATIFICATION AND CHEAPNESS VIOLATES THE GOOD? GROWING IN WEALTH LIKE GROWING IN WISDOM AND AGE NECESSITATES FOLLOWING A MORALITY ROOTED IN GOLDEN RULES.

UNCOMMON CENTS 54

A POET, JOHN KEATS, WHOSE CREATIVE GIFTS WERE UNFORTUNATELY CUT SHORT, KNEW THAT "THERE IS NOT A FIERCER HELL THAN FAILURE IN A GREAT OBJECT." THE OBJECT COULD BE A WAR; THE UNREALIZED GOAL MIGHT BE FINANCIAL SECURITY. LOSING THE BATTLE FOR SELF-RELIANCE COULD BE IGNOMINIOUS. IN DEED, INDULGING IN A SLICE OF DESSERT FROM THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY WILL SET YOU BACK $5.00 TO $7.00. FOR A BRIEF, SHINING MOMENT OF CONFECTIONARY DELIGHT YOU MIGHT BE SACRIFICING SOLVENCY IN YOUR FUTURE. IS THIS SMART? LIKEWISE, PATRONIZING SPECIALTY STORES AS AN EXPENSIVE PASTIME AT UPSCALE MALLS, WON'T ALLOW YOU TO INVEST MONEY UNLESS YOU HAVE EXCESS MONEY TO BURN. WHO DOES? A BASEBALL STAR EARNING $120 MILLION DOLLARS FOR A 5 YEAR CONTRACT? YES. THOUSANDS OF BASEBALL FANS SPENDING HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO ATTEND MAJOR LEAGUE GAMES? NO.

AMERICANS UNDER 50 NEED ONLY CONTRIBUTE $4000 A YEAR TO MAX OUT THEIR IRA PLAN. SHOULDN'T YOU ALLOCATE THIS SMALL BIT AS INSURANCE FOR YOUR INDEPENDENCE FROM GOVERNMENT HELP NOW OR IN RETIREMENT? DON'T ALLOW A PIECE OF CAKE TO ROB YOU AT THE RATE OF $5.00 FOR 5 TASTY MINUTES. CREAM CHEESE COSTS $.79 FOR 8 OUNCES. TWO EGGS ARE 16 CENTS. WHAT CAN A FEW DASHES OF VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, STRAWBERRY, EGG NOG OR A SELECTED FLAVORING COST? A GRAHAM CRACKER CRUMB CRUST COSTS $.89. ASSEMBLED AND BAKED, AN ENTIRE 12 INCH CHEESECAKE WILL NEVER APPROXIMATE THE COST OF ONE SLICE FROM THE RETAIL FACTORY. THEN THERE'S THE SATISFACTION OF DOING IT YOURSELF. GET SMART. GET BAKING IF THIS DESSERT IS YOUR DOWNFALL.

HINT: SPONSOR YOUR OWN RICH AND CREAMY EXPERIENCE F GENEROUS LEFTOVERS IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT BY FINDING
WAYS OF CUTTING BACK ON SPENDING.

UNCOMMON CENTS 53

WHAT DID PETER DRUCKER, THE FINANCIAL GURU, MEAN WHEN HE ADVISED, "DON'T SOLVE PROBLEMS, PURSUE OPPORTUNITIES?" ANSWER: WITHOUT DWELLING UPON THE QUESTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE OF THE MASSES WHO PROVIDE YOU WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO DINE WITH THE ELITE, PROCEED TO MAKE THE MONEY. TWO EXAMPLES SUFFICE. AUTOMOBILES FUELED BY ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES ARE A FEEL GOOD FAD. THE ENVIRONMENTALISTS, SCIENTISTS AND ECONOMISTS KNOW IT IS A LOSING FINANCIAL PROPOSITION BUT GOVERNMENT SUBSIDIES WILL PROP UP THE CAUSE. THE AUTO INDUSTRY, HOWEVER, SHOULD SEE THE GOLDEN GOOSE. IF THE PUBLIC PERCEIVES THE GAS ENGINE AS EVIL AND IS WILLING TO PAY FOR AN ALTERNATIVE WITH THEIR TIME AND SQUANDERED MONEY, WHY SHOULD THE MANUFACTURERS NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY? AMERICA'S ENERGY DEPENDENCE WILL NOT BE SOLVED BY ELECTRIC, ETHANOL, HYDROGEN OR SOLAR POWER DRIVEN CARS, BUT WHY SHOULD THE AUTO MAKERS CARE IF CAN THEY BOOST THEIR BOTTOM LINES AND THEIR STOCK PRICES FOR THEIR SHAREHOLDERS? AGAIN, ANOTHER GOURMET COFFEE FRANCHISE APPEARS ON THE HORIZON. IT TOO WILL SELL AN IMAGE AND FEEL-GOOD EXPERIENCE. IT MARKETS LATTE WITH A DOUBLE SHOT OF ESPRESSO FOR $3.25 AND A FRAPPE WITH 4 SHOTS FOR $5.00. IF THE YUPPIE PUBLIC FALLS FOR THIS SEDUCTION, WHY SHOULD THIS BUSINESS NOT REAP THE REWARDS?

UNFORTUNATELY, PETER DRUCKER ONLY HANDS OUT FINANCIAL ADVICE TO COMPANIES WHO WISH TO PROFIT. TO SAVE AND INVEST YOUR MONEY, YOU MUST ORIENT YOUR THINKING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF COST-CUTTING OPPORTUNITIES. THE ELECTRIC CAR WON'T DO IT; A SLIGHTLY USED VEHICLE WILL. AT $12,000 AS OPPOSED TO $30,000 AUTOMOTIVE TRANSPORTATION STILL REPRESENTS A TRIP FROM A TO B. THE $5.00 JAVA FIX RELEGATED TO ONCE A YEAR COULD SAVE YOU $225.00 IF YOU USUALLY IMBIBE ONCE A WEEK. AT $.10 FOR A MORNING CUP, BREAKFAST STILL REPRESENTS A PLEASANT START TO YOUR DAY.

HINT: RESOLVE TO FIND OPPORTUNITIES TO SAVE MONEY AND THE PROBLEM OF YOUR FUTURE WILL BE SOLVED.

UNCOMMON CENTS 52

CONSIDER THIS AT THE DAWN OF THE NEW YEAR, 2007. "THE MILKMAN ALONE IS ENOUGH TO REDEEM THE NIGHT FROM ITS UNDESERVED EVIL REPUTATION. A CARTLOAD OF PASTEURIZED MILK FOR NURSLINGS AT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING REPRESENTS MORE SERVICE TO CIVILIZATION THAN A CART FULL OF BULLION ON ITS WAY FROM SUBTREASURY TO THE VAULTS OF A NATIONAL BANK FIVE HOURS LATER." SPOKEN AT THE START OF THE LAST CENTURY, THIS THOUGHT NOW CONTRADICTS WHAT'S IMPORTANT AT THE START OF THE 21ST CENTURY. AMERICA AND THE DEVELOPED WORLD HAVE TURNED AROUND. THE GENUINE EVILS LURK EACH NIGHT IN THE THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES, SUPPRESSED BY DICTATORSHIPS, IN WHICH MILK AND BREAD TOO FREQUENTLY DO NOT FIND THEIR WAY TO THOSE CITIZENS IN NEED OF THEM. IN AMERICA AND ALL ADVANCED COUNTRIES, CHILDREN DO NOT CRY FOR SUSTENANCE. WE ARE SPOILED. AMERICANS ARE SPOILED NOT ONLY BY BUCKETS, TUBS, QUARTS, PINTS, DISHES, CONES, BARS, CUPS, CAKES AND SANDWICHES FILLED WITH ICE CREAM BUT ALSO BY VAULTS FILLED WITH BULLION. WEALTH MEANS THAT ICE CREAM CHOICES NOW RANGE FROM TURN OF THE CENTURY PLAIN VANILLA, STRAWBERRY AND CHOCOLATE TO LIMITLESS CHOICES SUCH AS ROCKY ROAD, MOOSE TRACKS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, CHEESECAKE, SPUMONI, PISTACHIO, BUBBLE GUM, BUTTERSCOTCH, PEPPERMINT, ROCKY ROAD, GREEN TEA, BUTTER PECAN, LICORICE, EGG NOG, PEACH, RASPBERRY SWIRL, CAPPUCCINO, COOKIE DOUGH, CHOCOLATE FUDGE, MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP, TOFFEE, REESE'S PIECES, SNICKERS, CHERRY GARCIA, ETC.

THE LESSON FOR THE NEW YEAR, HOWEVER, IS TO BULK UP ON BULLION BY SAVING MONEY NOT ON CREAMY (OR LITE ) ICE CREAM. SAVING MONEY IS AS IMPORTANT AS EVER. FOR EXAMPLE, $4.00 FOR A QUART OF BEN AND JERRY'S COULD BUY A GALLON OF THE GENERIC CONFECTION. YOURS BUYING POWER IS 4 TIMES GREATER. A SIMPLE BLIND TASTE TEST OFTEN PROVES THAT THE UNBRANDED PRODUCT EQUALS AND OFTEN SURPASSES THE EXPENSIVE BRAND WHICH OFFERS STATUS OR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS BUT NOT SUPERIOR CREAMINESS OR TASTE. A GOURMET TREAT MIGHT SUFFICE ON A RARE OCCASION, BUT CAN IT BE JUSTIFIED AS REGULAR FARE? THE DOLLARS SAVED COULD BE DOLLARS INVESTED. CASH IN RESERVE, LIKE BULLION IN A VAULT, REPRESENTS A CACHET, A STERLING MARK ON YOUR CHARACTER.

HINT: YOU ALL SHOULD SCREAM FOR INVESTING AS WELL AS ICE CREAM.