LETTER FROM THE DOGHOUSE

REPRINT FROM AUGUST 1999
MOTHER, MOTHER, WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?
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I'M IN THE COUNTRY JAIL - A GenX DOG SURROUNDED BY PHILISTINES AND BUMPKINS. THE SNOTTY CATS LASH OUT AT ME EVERY TIME I CHASE THEM! THE SENILE OLD BROAD ( THE RETIRED, DEAF BITCH NOT THE OTHER ONE) HAS ONLY TAUGHT ME TO BARK EVERYTIME I WANT SOMETHING. JUMPING AND RUNNING IN CIRCLES AT MEAL TIME COMES NATURALLY. THIS IS TRULY BENEATH MY MIXED BREED TALENTS.
HERE'S MY TYPICAL DAY: GET UP BEFORE THE SLOTHS AND WHINE NEXT TO THEIR BED UNTIL I GET SOME ACTION. WHINE. BARK AND RUN AMOK WHILE GRANDMA (FORTUNATELY HUMAN) GETS MY BREAKFAST. THEY STILL MAKE ME EAT OUTSIDE LIKE I WAS A SERVANT. THEN I SNIFF OUT THE PERIMETER UNTIL THEY GO TO WORK BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GARBAGE MAY HAVE BEEN PUT OUT IN THE ROADSIDE CANS. ON A GOOD DAY THEY FORGET TO PUT THE KITCHEN GARBAGE BIN BEHIND A SHUT DOOR AND I GET TO SHRED IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR. THOSE 2 FELINES BETTER NOT GET IN MY WAY. I SLEEP ON MY MASTER'S PILLOW ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED UNTIL THEY COME HOME FROM WORK. THEN, AND - I HATE TO SAY IT BECAUSE IT SOUND HUMANITARIAN - THEY FEED US AGAIN.

BUT I HAVE TO WEAR THIS COLLAR THAT STOPS ME FROM GETTING ALL THOSE LUSCIOUS TREATS UPSTAIRS THAT ARE PUT OUT IN THE CAT BOX TO TEMPT ME. THE PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING. ALSO, THEY LIKE TO GIVE ME SHOCKS WITH IT FOR FUN WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO WATCH ON TV. YOU CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE HERE SINCE YOU MADE THEM ADOPT ME.

BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID OF GETTING POISON IVY, THEY MADE ME DO THE BLACKBERRY PICKING THIS SEASON, FOR HOURS ON END. THOSE BUSHES HAVE THORNS! THEN THEY MADE A VIDEO THAT IS GOING TO MAKE THEM BIG BUCKS AND I, THE TALENT, WILL GET NOTHING. THIS IS LIKE PLANTATION LIFE WITH SLAVES! NOW THEY WANT ME TO PICK APPLES BY JUMPING AND SNATCHING THEM OFF THE LOWER BRANCHES. IS THERE NO END TO THIS INJUSTICE? ALSO THEY SOLD MY BALL BECAUSE THEY SAID I HAD WORK TO DO AND NO TIME FOR FRIVOLITY.

I BET THOSE CHEESE SNACKS I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERY NIGHT (AND MUST SHARE WITH THOSE CATS) ARE FILLED WITH ARTIFICIAL PRESERVATIVES AND CHEMICALS WHICH WILL DIMINISH MY BRAIN POWER IN THE FUTURE (LIKE THE OLD GIRL). WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T THROW UP EACH MORNING LIKE SHE DOES. AND MY SIGHT AND SMELL STILL ALLOW ME TO CHASE RABBITS AND SQUIRRELS. I MUST SAY, MY GENES CAN STILL KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES.

THEY FORCED ME TO DICTATE THE PREVIOUS LETTER TO YOU BUT IT IS ALL LIES EXTRACTED UNDER TORTURE. MAYBE, SOON THEY'LL MAKE ME WALK ON A LEASH LIKE A YUPPIE'S MUT. FOR GOD'S SAKE, CALL PETA OR REPORT THEM TO AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL.

BUT DON'T TELL PETA I AM A HOUSE PET. MISS YOU, SAVANNAH.