IF

IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A PADDED TOILET SEAT,
IF YOU WOULD BE OUT OF PLACE IN WINDSOR CASTLE ,
IF YOU WISH BEER COST LESS SO YOU COULD DRINK IT,
IF YOU TALLY A WARDROBE WITHOUT A DRESS,

IF TO YOU FOOD IS MORE THAN JUST THE STUFF OF LIFE
IF TO YOU SHACKING UP TOGETHER STILL MEANS LIVING IN SIN,
IF TO YOU THE OLYMPICS OR THE MASTERS IN GOLF ARE BORES,
IF TO YOU INSOMMNIA KNOCKS ON OTHER PEOPLES' DOORS,

IF THE SOUL OF YOUR HOME IS A SHARECROPPER'S CABIN,
IF THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COLD-WEATHER SPORT,
IF A CHROMATIC SUNSET BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY,
AND A HUGE, MYSTERIOUS GOLDEN MOON YOUR NIGHT,

IF YOU STEP OUTDOORS TO WALK BUT NOT TO TALK,
IF YOU DESPISE THOSE WHO WEAR MASKS OF BEAUTY,
IF YOU BELIEVE RELIGION IS A FORCE FOR GOOD,
IF YOU THINK OBESITY IS A SELF-INDUCED,
IF YOU THINK SANITY IS SELF-MEDICATION,

THEN YOU ARE AGING WELL OR OLD-FASHIONED,
THEN TO YOU POETRY MUST BE INTELLIGIBLE,
THEN TO YOU THE HATRED OF TERRORISTS IS SAD,
THEN TO YOU SATSIFACTION COMES FROM UNEXPECTED FINDS,
THEN FOR YOU LOVELINESS RESIDES WITHIN AND NOT WITHOUT,
THEN JOIN ME IN A TOAST TO GOD AND CONTRARINESS.