PLAYING WITH REFRIGERATORS

"FAMILIARITY DOES NOT BREED CONTEMPT." I CAN PROVE IT. IT MADE PERFECT UNCOMMON SENSE FOR SOME POW'S IN VIET NAM TO SEEK A DIVERSION FROM THEIR SUFFERINGS AND DEPRIVATIONS OF INPRISONMENT, SO THEY STAGED COMPETITIONS BETWEEN COCKROACKES, PLENTIFUL FOR THE TRAINING. WHAT ELSE COULD A PERSON WITH A TROUBLED, BORED, OR TRAPPED MIND DO? LIKE MEN AMUSED THEMSELVES WITH BUGS OR MENDEL WITH PLANTS OR DARWIN WITH SPECIMENS OR HUGH HEFNER WITH WOMEN, I LEARNED TO PLAY WITH REFRIGERATORS. NO, MY LIFE WASN'T OVER AND THE "SPLENDOR OF A GOLDEN SUNSET," HAD NOT ARRIVED AS TEDDY ROOSEVELT REMINDED US ABOUT DEATH. THE APPLIANCES JUST OCCURRED. I COLLECTED DISCARDED OR BROKEN DOWN PROPERTIES FOR EVALUATION, THEN POSSIBLE REHABILITATION, CLEANING AND RESALE.

OVER THE YEARS I REFERENCED THEIR COLORS, STYLES, AGES, CONDITIONS AND VALUES. I MET HARVEST GOLDS, COPPERTONES, AVOCADOS, TURQUOISES, REDS, PINKS (YES), ALMONDS, TOASTS AND, THE PREFERRED PAINT JOB, WHITES. THEY WERE MOSTLY SOLIDS, BUT SOME PAINTED WITH A SHADED TWO-TONE EFFECT. SOME BOXES FUNCTIONED AS DIEHARD TROOPERS WITH COMPRESSORS STILL PUMPING FREON AFTER 50 YEARS. THERE WERE ONE- DOOR ROUND TOPS WITH THE WORKS ON TOP AND TWO-DOOR ROUND TOPS WITH THE WORKS ON THE BOTTOM. THEY WERE RECTANGULAR BOXES WITH THE INFREQUENT FREEZER ON THE BOTTOM. THERE WERE THREE DOOR MODELS ACCOMODATING ICE MAKERS. REFRIGERATORS HAD STRAIGHT SHELVES, REVOLVING SHELVES, STAGGERED SHELVES AND RARE INSIDES OF PINK PORCELAIN. I LEARNED TO DETERMINE AGE BY THE MODEL NUMBERS AND PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS. I UNDERSTOOD THE WORKINGS OF MANUAL, AUTOMATIC AND SELF-DEFROSTING VARIETIES. I ADMIRED CHANGES NOT ONLY OF PAINT PATTERNS, BUT ALSO IN DESIGNS AND APPOINTMENTS SUCH AS HANDLES, BRAND LABELS AND CRISPER STYLES. MARKETING MADNESS OVER THE YEARS CULMINATED IN DE RIGUEUR FROST FREE, ULTRA LIGHTWEIGHT MODELS UTILIZING PLASTICS - NOT PORCELAIN AND METAL - AND OFFERING DYNAMIC LOOKS OF BLACK AND STAINLESS STEEL. I STOPPED SHORT OF ENCOUNTERING EXPENSICVE, UPSCALE ELECTRONICALLY CONTROLLED WONDERS. ALL OF MY CHARGES, OF COURSE, WERE USED. REPAIR AND REHABILITATION WAS A PHYSICAL AS WELL AS AN INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGE. TRADE-IN CONDITIONS VARIED FROM ATROCIOUSLY FILTHY AND ROACH INFESTED TO RELATIVELY CLEAN. IT WAS AMAZING WHAT ROACH BOMBS, FANTASTIC, DETERGENT, SCRAPERS, SPONGES, RAGS, A TOOTHBRUSH, A RAZOR BLADE AND LIFE-SAVING WATER - OFTEN EMPLOYED FROM A GARDEN HOSE IN PLEASANT WEATHER - COULD DO. LIKE A HELPLESS VICTIM OF A DEBILITATING BUT NOT NECESSARILY DEADLY DISEASE, MY REFRIGERATORS DESERVED ASSISTANCE, DESERVED MECHANICAL MEDICATIONS AND DESERVED FACELIFTS. I ASSESSED THEIR MARKET VALUE AND SOLD THEM TO WILLING CONSUMERS. JOB SATISFACTION, FROM A SCIENTIFIC POINT OF VIEW, WAS MY REWARD.

I ONCE RESCUED A SPECIMEN IN SPARKLING CLEAN, LIKE-NEW CONDITION. A MINOR MALFUNCTION IN NO WAY DETERRED FROM THE BODILY GLORY OF THAT DAVID, THAT APHRODITE, THAT GOLDEN TAJ MAHAL. I WONDERED WHAT HOME LIFE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE MARRIED TO THE PERSNICKETY FEMALE CAREGIVER OF THAT REFRIGERATOR. LIKE A VIRGIN, I DID NOT LAY A HAND UPON THAT APPLIANCE - CLEANING WAS UNNECESSARY - AFTER THE REPAIR AND BEFORE THE SALE.