TOP 10 COUNTDOWN

TOOKIE WILLIAMS, DECEASED MURDERER , MIGHT NOW BE HAVING HIS 'DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL'. MYSTICS LIKE ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS CONFESSED TO THIS INTERNAL STRUGGLE, THIS WRENCHING DEBATE WITHIN ONES SELF AND WITH ONE'S GOD. GOOD LUCK TOOKIE. BUT I AM CONFLICTED MOST DAYS WITH A DARK DISCONTENT WITH MY BODY. I HAVE NO PROBLEM ASSEMBLING A JOHNNY CARSON TOP TEN COUNTDOWN OF LIFE'S LONGTIME REGRETS. FOR EACH 'FAILING', I HAVE FOUND SOME COMPENSATION TO PROVIDE ME A MODICUM OF COMFORT.

10. I AM SHORT. ILLUSIONS OF GRANDEUR AND GLORY COME NOT TO PUDGY, SHORT PEOPLE. I COMPENSATED BY CHOSING A LOVING, TALL MAN.

9. I AM NOT THIN. OH, I WISH I WERE. I COMPENSATED BY LEARNING TO COOK AND APPRECIATE GOOD FOOD.

8. I HAVE KINKY HAIR - WISPY, CURLY AND UNMANAGEABLE, THE ANTONYM OF TRESSES. I COMPENSATED BY MARRYING A MAN WHO DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HAIR.

7. I HAVE ABERRANT FINGERNAILS. THEY GROW WEAK AND UNSHAPELY TO A CERTAIN LENGTH AND THEN CURL UP LIKE THE TOES OF A COURT JESTER'S SLIPPERS. THEY MUST THEN BE TRIMMED OR THEY WILL RIP OFF EASILY ALBEIT PAINLESSLY. I COMPENSATED BY EMPLOYING MANUAL LABOR AS A USE FOR MY HANDS.

6. I HAVE AN ABERRANT CIRCULATORY MECHANISM. WARM GLOVES, SOCKS OR BOOTS ARE USELESS. MY HANDS AND FEET ARE ALIEN ENTITIES TO MY OTHERWISE WARM BODY. I COMPENSATE BY REMINDING MYSELF THAT "COLD HANDS MAKE FOR A WARM HEART."

5. I AM EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO GRASSES AND POSSESS ULTRA-SENSITIVE SKIN. I COMPENSATE WITH ANTIHISTAMINE PILLS. I COMPARE MY SPECIAL SENSIBILITITY TO THAT OF THE FAIRY TALE PRINCESS WHO DISCERNS A PEA IN A PILE OF MATTRESSES. MY PEA IS A GRAIN OF AN ALLERGEN TOUCHING MY SKIN.

4. MY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS SHORT-FUSED WHETHER IN AS TEMPER-FLARE UP OR A HURT TAKEN. ALSO A FREE FLOW OF TEARS EASILY SURFACES WITH A MEMORY, A PASSAGE OF MUSIC, A THING OF PATRIOTIC BEAUTY, A DEEP PAIN OR A MOMENT OF BLISS . I COMPENSATE BY ATTEMPTING STOIC CONTROL OF OUTBURSTS IN PUBLIC PLACES.

3. MY THRESHOLD OF PAIN IS INTOLERABLY LOW. ITS PRESENCE MAKES THE LIKELIHOOD OF TOLERANCE AND FORBEARANCE IN ME UNACCEPTABLY LOW TOO. I COMPENSATE WITH THE WEEPING RESPONSE MENTIONED ABOVE.

2. MY I.Q. IS NORMAL, YET I HAVE ALWAYS WISHED I WERE SMART. I HAVE COMPENSATED BY READING FOR KNOWLEDGE AND PLEASURE AND DELUDING MYSELF THAT MOST FACTS ARE NOT LOST.

1. MY NUMERO UNO STRUGGLE IS WITH AN OVER-ACTIVE BRAIN WHICH RACES AMOK DAYS AND RACES ON AUTO PILOT IN NIGHTMARE-FILLED NIGHTS. I CONSOLE MYSELF THAT MY STRANGE DREAMS ARE ASSURANCES OF A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP. I CONSOLE MYSELF THAT NEVER-ENDING THOUGHTS MIGHT BE BIOLOGICALLY HEALTHY AND PROLONG MY LIFE. OOPS! SENESCENCE NECESSITATES TACKLING THE DARK SECRETS OF MY SOUL.