BOWIE KNIFE

I GUESS IF THE MODERN CHRISTIANS MUST ENDURE PERSECUTION FROM THE ANTAGONISTIC ANTI-RELIGIOUS FRINGE OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, ESPECIALLY AROUND CHRISTMAS TIME, I CAN WITHSTAND THE PERSISTENT ANNOYANCES OF OFFICIAL NOTICES IN MY MAIL. BUT TODAY'S SOLICITATION TOOK THE CAKE! SOME VICE PRESIDENT KNEW THAT I 'WANTED' TO BE NOTIFIED THAT I AM "NOW AN AMERICAN MINT REGISTERED COLLECTOR." THIS WILL BE SAD NEWS TO THE SENDER BECAUSE I MAKE MY OWN INDEPENDENT CHOICES. SUCH STATUS, "AUTHORIZED" ME TO "REQUEST THE BUFFALO BILL COMMEMORATIVE BOWIE KNIFE." WHAT USE WOULD I HAVE FOR A SHARP, DEADLY WEAPON WITH THE LIKENESS OF A BUFFALO MURDERING COWBOY ON IT OTHER THAN TO SLASH MYSELF TO DEATH - HARA KIRI STYLE - THEREBY OBVIATING THE NEED FOR ANY FURTHER STUPID, UNSOLICITED MISSIVES IN MY MAIL? I PITY THE MAILMAN ( WHO IS SOMETIMES A MAILWOMAN), AS WELL AS MYSELF FOR THESE DELIVERANCES. ALSO, I HOPE THE MAILPERSON CAN CHUCKLE INSIDE AS HE OR SHE PUSHES HUNDREDS OF THESE NONSENSE MAILINGS INTO HUNDREDS OF UNWILLING CUSTOMERS' BOXES. TOO BAD THESE LETTERS DO NOT LIGHTEN THE LOAD OF POSTS FOR A DAY.

WHERE DID THIS MINT GET MY NAME? COULD IT HAVE BEEN THAT ONE CHRISTMAS GIFT OF A CUTE CREATURE ON A MOTORCYCLE FOR A GRANDSON ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO? OR AN OHIO STATE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT FOR A FANATICAL FOOTBALL FAMILY MEMBER AT LEAST 5 YEARS PAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN TO ASK MYSELF WHY I ORDERED ANYTHING FROM ANY EXCHANGE ANYWHERE WITH 20 ALTERNATE NAMES. I AM NOW PERSECUTED DAILY - I SWEAR - WITH LIMITED EDITION OFFERS FROM $29.95 TO $199.95 ON A FIRST- COME, FIRST- SERVED BASIS, DUE TO THE LIMITED QUANTITY.

OH MY GOSH! THIS BOWIE BLADE RUNNER IS FREE! IF I FAIL TO ACT, HOWEVER, MY FREE KNIFE WILL BE GIVEN TO A NEW COLLECTOR - A NEW LUCKY JIM OR JEAN. I HAVE INTERNALIZED THE WARNING ABOUT WHAT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, SO I TORTURED MYSELF FURTHER BY READING THE PRINT AND LOOKING FOR THE INEVITABLE CATCH - THE LAWS AGAINST FRAUD INTACT AND APPLICABLE HERE. AHA! THE REQUEST FOR THIS FREE KNIFE COMES "THROUGH THE AMERICAN MINT'S REGISTERED KNIFE INTRODUCTION PROGRAM." TRANSLATION 'AMRKTIP' AN UNPRONOUNCIBLE ACRONYM FOR RIP-OFF. MORE ENABLERS OF MY DEATH WOULD BE AUTOMATICALLY AND REGULARLY SENT TO MY HOME, INTO THE FUTURE, FOLLOWING MY FIRST, FREE SAMPLE.

SINCE IT IS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR ME TO DIE, MY DINNER BEING ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TO WARRANT MY ANTICIPATION, I DECIDED TO MOVE ON BY PITCHING THIS PIECE OF WASTE INTO ITS PROPER CONTAINER. UNFORTUNATLY I TOOK ONE LAST LOOK AT THE TRIBUTE TO 'WILD BILL'. A PARAGRAPH HIGHLIGHTS HIS ACHIEVEMENT OF KILLING 4,280 BUFFALOS IN 8 MONTHS TO FEED THE CONSTRUCTION CREWS OF THE UNION PACIFIC RAILROAD. HOW NOBLE! SUCH A RECORD WAS ACHIEVED WITH A RIFLE, NO DOUBT, NOT A BOWIE KNIFE. I READ, HOWEVER, THAT BUFFALO BILL "ALWAYS CARRIED HIS FAMOUS BOWIE KNIFE" WITH HIM. THANK GOODNESS, MY REJECTED KNIFE WAS AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER TO SLAUGHTER. PERHAPS THIS MINT PEGGED ME AS A KNIFE-WIELDING MADAM OR MODERN ANNIE OAKLEY BY SENDING ME MY PERSONALIZED OFFICIAL NOTICE. THEY DIDN'T FIND A SUCKER.