GEORGE AGONISTES

POOR GEORGE AGONISTES, SUBJECTED TO THE AGONY OF REPORTERS' QUESTIONS AND ANTAGONISTIC POLITICIANS WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT ECSTACY OF TRIUMPH OVER THE VANQUISHED. BUT I HAVE A FEW SUGGESITONS FOR OUR COMMANDER- IN- CHIEF FOR HIS REBUTTALS TO ACCUSATIONS HURLED AT HIM. HERE'S HOW KING GEORGE, AS SOME LIBERAL BOOB PUT IT, SHOULD RESPOND.

DID YOU SEE BREAKBACK MOUNTAIN, MR. PRESIDENT?
NO, BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN HETEROSEXUAL LOVER WAITING FOR ME BACK AT MY RANCH.

WHY ARE YOU OUTSOURCING OUR DEFENSE, MR. PRESIDENT?
BECAUSE I WANT TO. MAY I POINT OUT TO YOU THAT I AM ALSO OUTSOURCING OUR DEFENSE IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN? IF OUTSOURCING IS BAD, YES, I GUESS I AM BAD TO THE BONE.

WHY HAVE YOU ILLEGALLY SPIED ON OUR CITIZENS, MR. PRESIDENT?
EXCUSE ME, SPYING ON THE ENEMY IS NOT ILLEGAL, JUST ASK YOUR FELLOW, PAST DEMOCRATIC LEADERS HOW IT IS DONE. YES, I KNOW MANY OF THEM LIKE F.D.R. ARE DECEASED.

BUT, MR. PRESIDENT YOU HAVE ILLEGALLY LISTENED TO PHONE CONVERSATIONS OF INNOCENT CITIZENS.
I HAVE HERE A BOOK WITH THE NAMES OF EACH AND EVERY YOUNG PERSON'S CELLPHONE CONVERSATION THAT I PERSONALLY HAVE TAPPED. SHOULD I READ THEM ALOUD? THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE, TURNING ALL OF THESE EMPTY PAGES?

WILL YOU UNILATERALLY STAND UP TO IRAN, MR. PRESIDENT?
UNILATERAL, MULTILATERAL, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. UNI, REMEMBER, MEANS ONE; MULTI MEANS MANY. IT'S LIKE E PLURIBUS UNUM.

PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOUR MEDICARE DRUG BENEFIT PROGRAM DOES NOT HELP THE WORKING POOR, MR. PRESIDENT?
YOU EXPLAIN IT, I CAN'T. MAYBE YOU WHO SPECIALIZE IN OBFUSCATION ( I KNOW IT'S A BIG WORD) CAN CLARIFY OR FIX IT?

WHY ARE YOU PACKING THE SUPREME COURT WITH CONSERVATIVES, MR. PRESIDENT?
HOW MANY CIGARETTES ARE IN A PACK? I DON'T KNOW I DON'T SMOKE, BUT I HAVE ONLY HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO NOMINATE TWO JUDGES. THAT'S A FAR CRY FROM A PACK. I'LL BE DEAD AND GONE BEFORE I CAN PACK THE COURT. I UNILATERALLY GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO CELEBRATE NOW RATHER THAN LATER.

WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN US INTO AN ILLEGAL WAR, MR. PRESIDENT?
WHY HAVE YOU THE CONGRESS AUTHORIZED IT?

WHAT ABOUT MORE MONEY FOR EDUCATION, MR. PRESIDENT?
I DON'T KNOW I HAVE SPENT TOO MUCH ALREADY. YOU ARE ALWAYS ACCUSING ME OF NOT READING. AS AMERICA'S LEADER I SET THE AGENDA, SO WHY NOT JUST ELIMINATE BOOKS AND READING? I SAY LET THE KIDS JOG LIKE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, MR. PRESIDENT?
I AM GOING TO DOWN A STIFF TODDY AFTER THIS PRESS CONFERENCE.

MR. PRESIDENT, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF ILLEGAL ALIENS CROSSING OUR MEXICAN BORDER?
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. I HAVE ALWAYS ASKED MYELF WHY THE IGNORANT POOR PEOPLE RISK THEIR LIVES TO ENTER AMERICA WHEREAS THE EDUCATED, ELITE DO NOT RUSH TO LEAVE IT? ANY ANSWERS TO THIS CONTRADICTION?

MR. PRESIDENT DO YOU BELIEVE IN TORTURE OF DETAINESS , FOR EXAMPLE AT GUANTANAMO?
OF COURSE NOT. IT HURTS. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL END THIS SESSION BECAUSE I NEED TO TAKE SOME MEDICAL MARIJUANA. THANK YOU.