MR. PRESIDENT

I FEEL SO MUCH SAFER NOW THAT OUR LOCAL RADIO SHOW IS RUNNING PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS TO WARN CITIZENS TO BE PREPARED FOR EMERGENCIES AND DISASTERS, NOT OF THE TERRORIST KIND, BUT OF THE MAN-MADE AND NATURAL PERSUASIONS. WHY? I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT OTHER PLACES USE HOMELAND SECURITY MONEY FOR TERRORIST PREVENTION, BUT OUR RURAL COMMUNITY DOES NOT NEED TO USE IT FOR THIS. THEREFORE, WE ARE SPENDING HOMELAND SECURITY MONEY ON EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS. I, SIR, WAIVE MY RIGHT TO BE "PREPARED." THE NEW HOVERCRAFT PURCHASED THIS YEAR WITH GOVERNMENT FUNDS WON'T SAVE ME FROM AN ENCOUNTER WITH WATER BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN OPERATE A SHOWER. WOULD YOU PLEASE, THEREFORE, SEND MY TAX DOLLARS BACK TO ME SO THAT WHEN THE FIRE OCCURS IN MY HOME, WHEN THE TORNADO OR LIGHTNING STRIKES , WHEN A TICK JUMPS UPON ME HAVING TIRED OF MY DOG, WHEN I AM BITTEN BY A MOSQUITO, WHEN MY ALLERGY KICKS IN - I WILL HAVE CASH IN MY POCKET. PLEASE KNOW THAT BEES ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE MY BANE THAN SISSY BUGS AND MY OTC ALLERGY PILLS COST ONLY $1.00 AT THE LOCAL DOLLAR STORE, SO I WILL HAVE A SURPLUS TO SPEND ELSEWHERE.

FURTHERMORE, MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE BE INFORMED THAT THE ONLY TRUE 'NATIONAL' THREAT THAT COULD PLAY ITSELF OUT ON OUR LOCAL SOIL WOULD BE - SOMEHOW, GOD FORBID - AN INTERRUPTION OR PREVENTION OF THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SEASON. IT WOULD WARRANT A TERRORIST ALERT OF CODE RED BUT WITH FLAMES SHOOTING FORTH.

SERIOUSLY, IF YOU WANT YOUR REPUBLICAN PARTY TO BE RE-INSTATED TO THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2008, I THINK YOU SHOULD ARRANGE FOR THIS GOD-AWFUL WASTE OF TAXPAYERS MONEY TO BE ELIMINATED. I KNOW OUR POLITICIANS SHOULD SEND IT BACK BECAUSE IT IS NOT NEEDED, BUT .... I ALSO KNOW THAT AMERICANS ARE FED UP WITH POLITICAL PORK. FACED WITH THIS TRUTH - AND TRUTH IS NOT SPOKEN OFTEN ENOUGH - VOTERS WILL VOTE FOR A CHANGE IN THE NEXT ELECTION. THEY WILL BE IGNORANT OF THE FACT THAT LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WILL "DO THEM JUST AS WRONG." MY CONSERVATISM WILL NOT SAVE ME OR MY COUNTRY THEN.