MANLY DAY

"MOTHERS DON'T LET YOU BABIES GROW UP TO BE BOYS," TO PARAPHRASE WILLIE NELSON, WHOSE MANLINESS I CANNOT CRITIQUE WITH EITHER CONFIDENCE OR FACTS. BUT I HAVE OBSERVED MANY MALE WHIMPS AND CAN GENERALIZE FROM THE PARTICULARS. I CAN CERTIFY THAT A MINIMUM OF 20% OF FATHERS DON'T DESERVE TO CELEBRATE FATHER'S DAY MUCH LESS STAND ERECT IN THE MASCULINE RANKS.

FOLLOWING THE 80/20 RULE IN THE GAME OF LIFE, 20% OF FATHERS ARE USELESS. THIS PERCENTAGE IS PROBABLY MUCH HIGHER, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT AND TO PUNCTUATE MY POSITION, THIS NUMBER WILL SUFFICE TO REPRESENT THE 'ABSENT MINORITY' OF HUSBANDS AND DADS WHO HAVE NO CONCEPT OF RESPONSIBILITY, COMMITMENT, SACRIFICE, PATIENCE OR MENTAL AND MORAL STRENGTH. STATUS FOR THEM, LIKE 80% OF WOMEN, "IS ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES" AND OFTEN, BY EXTENSION, THEIR FEELINGS.

"USELESS" MEN HAVE NOT BEEN RAISED UP PRIMARILY BECAUSE WEAK WOMEN HAVE SPOILED THEIR BOYS INTO PERPETUITY. I CITE AN EXAMPLE OF PARENTAL DEFICIENCY THAT HAS HIT HOME WITH ME. ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A FATHER AND A MOTHER AND TWO INFANT MALES. RECENTLY I SPIED THEIR MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY (ABOUT 12) AND HIS BARELY LEGAL BROTHER (ABOUT 19 AND UNEMPLOYED) STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY NEAR THEIR HOUSE AS THEIR MOTHER PUSHED A LAWNMOWER ACROSS THE GRASS. MOTHER'S BEHAVIOR PATTERN, USUALLY A LAZY ONE, WAS BETRAYED BY HER RARE PHYSICAL EXERTION OF MOWING, BUT LAZINESS ALSO BECAME HER SONS. THEIR PASSIVITY REVEALED THAT 'IT' WAS NOT THEIR GRASS, 'IT' WAS NOT THEIR JOB. 'IT' HAS NEVER BEEN THEIR BEHAVIOR TO CARRY GROCERIES, PERFORM CHORES (OTHER THAN BOUNCE A BASKETBALL FOR 15 MINUTES AT A STRETCH), WALK, LIFT, SWEEP, CARRY OR SWEAT ON A MISSION OR TO CONTRIBUTE ONE PHYSICAL OR MENTAL OUNCE OF LABOR TO THEIR FAMILY'S SITUATION OR THE WORLD AT LARGE. I CAN ATTEST TO THIS VOID, HAVING WITNESSED THE 'FAMILY' FOR ALMOST 15 YEARS. AS CHILDREN, THE BROTHERS NEVER VENTURED OUTDOORS EXCEPT TO ENTER A CAR. NOW THAT THE OLDER SON DRIVES A TRUCK, HE ONLY ENTERS AND EXITS THE SHINY MACHINE TO TRAVEL ELSEWHERE. MOTHER BIRTHED TWO BOYS, BUT MOTHER, HONING IGNORANCE OF PARENTAL OBLIGATIONS TO PERFECTION, NEGLECTED TO RAISE MEN. HOW APPEALING IS SIMPLE RANDOM DECIMATION WITHIN THE RANKS OF THESE UNMANLY MILLSTONES IN OUR SOCIETY! UNFORTUNATELY THE BOYS HIDE IN OUR MIDST AND THE UNKNOWN PERCENTAGE OF MANLY MEN SACRIFICED TO THE CAUSE WOULD BE SORELY MISSED.