Turkey on the stairs

Turkey time again, time for instilling panic into the hearts and guts of the public about food safety around a holiday. Time - as usual - for liberal insanity about defrosting a turkey under running water ( think of the environmental impact) or in the refrigerator for a few days, talk of keeping hot foods hot and cold foods cold, talk of keeping the wee folk away from the heat of the oven or steam of the stove, talk - the capstone of a local health department issuance - of cleaning out your septic tank to avoid a clogged toilet during the well-attended, joyous, Thanksgiving feast. Luckily, talk is cheap and irrelevant from liberals and government bureaucracy bent upon the ruin of happy meals. Talk from the Department of Health and Human Services assumes Americans lost their ability to think at the First Thanksgiving. My solution for defrosting a turkey is on the stairs.

I have a stairway sealed off from the rest of a room by a door, a stairway that originally led to unheated bedrooms upstairs in our 100 yr. old country home. A century ago transoms allowed air to circulate, manure rather than macadam paved the lanes, lap robes were proof of common sense on a long, sleigh ride and reason as defined in a dictionary assured the path to survival. So in the spirit of my ancestors, I came upon the ingenious system of defrosting all ( I repeat all) frozen food on the stairs, either overnight or in the case of a huge turkey, two nights. Behind the closed and latched door ( you guessed it, I have a dog and cats), juices, vegetables, meats, soups, etc., ready themselves for my artistic, mealtime creations. My system is failsafe and insanity proof. Take that you doom and gloom liberal mongers; eat out your hearts and guts.