A BARGAIN

HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH THOSE COMPLAINING ABOUT POVERTY IN AMERICA. THERE NEED BE NO SUCH THING. TO PARAPHRASE PSALM 23, "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD; THERE IS NOTHING I LACK"...IF EYES ARE KEPT OPEN FOR BARGAINS AT WAL-MART. AS THE DYNAMIC DUO OF DISCOUNTS, MY HUSBAND AND I KEEP OUR OPTIONS OPEN. MY HUSBAND SPIED A COMPLETE 12LB. TURKEY DINNER REDUCED TO $12.00 FROM THE ORIGINAL PRICE OF $29.99. A COMPLETE 10-12 LB. OVEN-ROASTED TYSON TURKEY, 2 LB. CORNBREAD STUFFING, 2 LB. SEASONED MASHED POTATOES AND 30 OZ. GIBLET GRAVY. SERVES 8 - 10. THE BOX WAS OPENED SO WE CHECKED THAT ALL COMPONENTS WERE ENCLOSED. "LEST THE BARGAIN SHOULD CATCH COLD AND STARVE," AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE THE GREAT DRAMATIST OBSERVED, MY HUSBAND AND I SNATCHED UP THE HEAVY TWO-HANDLED BOX. JULY IS THE PERFECT TIME FOR A MID-YEAR THANKSGIVING FEAST. THE CONTENTS WERE IN-STORE FROZEN SO AN OVERNIGHT WAS NECESSARY FOR DEFROSTING.

NEXT DAY I WENT WHOLE 'HOG.' FIRST I RESERVED TWO PORTIONS EACH FROM THE STUFFING, MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY FOR OUR NEXT DAY’S MEAL. THEN I WALKED THE CONTAINERS TO THE STORAGE FREEZER. THEN I TACKLED THE BIRD WITH A SHARP, HEAVY KNIFE. I DISMEMBERED IT CAREFULLY, BARE-HANDED, PIONEER STYLE. I WORKED UP SEPARATE PACKAGES OF 2 LEGS, 2 BONE-IN PIECES, 2 OTHER BONE-IN PIECES, 2 HUGE BREASTS, ONE POUND EACH, 2 PACKS ONE, WHITE AND ONE DARK OF MISCELLANEOUS MEAT. I ACCUMULATED ONE HUGE BOWL OF SKIN AND FAT FOR A SUPPLEMENT TO THE USUAL SUSTENANCE OF THE DOG OVER THE COURSE OF UPCOMING DAYS AND ONE SMALL BOWL OF MEAT SCRAPS FOR THE 2 CATS. THEN I PLACED THE LEFTOVER BONES WITH CLINGING MEAT INTO A POT WITH A FEW CUPS OF WATER AND BOILED THIS DOWN FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES FOR A TURKEY BROTH. I ALSO COOKED A SMALL AMOUNT OF RICE NOODLES (WHICH ONLY REQUIRE 3 MINUTES OF BOILING) AND TOSSED THEM WITH A PORTION OF FROZEN CARROTS (RETRIEVED FROM THE FREEZER) INTO THE STRAINED BROTH. THEN I PUT THE BROTH INTO THE FREEZER TO CHILL SO THAT I COULD SKIM OFF THE FAT LATER. I PICKED THROUGH THE DISCARDS TO OBTAIN LEFTOVER MEAT SCRAPS FOR THE CATS ADDING THEM TO THEIR SMALL BOWL. THE MOTTO OF A TRUE BARGAIN HUNTER IS "WASTE NOT WANT NOT." MY TAKE OF SOUP CAME TO 6 SERVINGS.

BARGAINS NOT ONLY PROVIDE MENTAL SATISFACTION THEY ALSO RESULT IN PHYSICAL EXERCISE. TWO HOURS STANDING WHILE CUTTING UP MY BIRD AND MANY TRIPS TO THE FREEZER BURN A FEW CALORIES. WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY FLIPPED MY KNIFE INTO THE AIR, IT CUT MY FINGER AS IT FELL TO THE FLOOR. MY EXPERIENCE WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT WITHOUT AN ELEMENT OF RISK.

HOW MUCH DID WE SAVE ON OUR SHOPPING FIND? ACTUALLY, NOT THE $17.99 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RETAIL AND REDUCED PRICE, SINCE MY HUSBAND AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE PREMIUM TYSON TURKEY DINNER IN THE FIRST PLACE. A $.29 A LB. TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING USUALLY HAS SUFFICED. MY POTATOES, DRESSING AND GRAVY ARE USUALLY HOME-MADE BUT SUBSTITUTIONS OFFER A CHANGE OF PACE. THE 22 CENTS FOR ONE CAN OF 'CHEAP' CAT FOOD WAS REPLACED BY 2 SERVINGS OF SCRAPS FOR THE CATS. WHAT'S INCALCULABLE WILL BE THE DOG'S DAILY DELIGHT AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I'LL PROBABLY SERVE TURKEY FOR TWO A TOTAL OF 9 TIMES, SERVE SOUP FOR TWO AND MASHED POTATOES AND CORNBREAD STUFFING AND GRAVY THRICE. A BARGAIN AT $12.00 AND TIME SERVED.

MY ROLE IN THIS ADVENTURE WAS THREE-FOLD: DEFROST, DISMEMBER AND DISPENSE. MY HUSBAND'S WAS A MINIMAL QUARTET: TO SPY THE BARGAIN, TO CARRY IT INTO THE HOUSE, TO LOCK THE DOG AND 2 CATS OUT OF THE KITCHEN WHILE I WORKED AND TO TAKE THE FROZEN, DISCARDED BONES - WRAPPED IN NEWSPAPER AND SECURED NEATLY WITH MASKING TAPE - OUT TO THE TRASH BIN.

BARGAIN HUNTING ALONE, DISCOUNT SHOPPING IF YOU WILL, NEED NOT BE THE ONLY PATH OUT OF POVERTY AND INTO RICH REWARDS. PAYING JUST A MINIMUM OF ATTENTION TO THE COST OF DAILY LIVING WILL DO NICELY.