LOUSY MOWER

AS A NEIGHBOR'S MOWS WITHIN EARSHOT, MOVING SWIFTLY ABOVE THE GROUND DECAPITATING GRASS AND GUZZLING GAS ( NOT TO THE DRIVER'S DISMAY) I THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT MUST LIFE BE LIKE FOR THE LUCKY AND PERSNICKETY? MY LOUSY, STINKING RIDING MOWER, JUST ANOTHER MACHINE IN THE LONG LINE OF LOSERS THAT HAVE ENTERED AND EXITED THE PAGES OF MY BOOK OF MECHANICAL LEMONS, IS 'IN THE SHOP'. MY GRASSES (MOSTLY WEEDS) ARE SEEDING AT 2 TO 3 FEET IN HEIGHT. MY MEMORIAL DAY WILL MEMORIALIZE MY INFERIORITY TO FELLOW HOMEOWNERS WITH NEATLY, SHORN GRASS.

NOTHING IS EXTRA-ORDINARY OR UNEXPECTED, SO WHY GET DEPRESSED? MY LOUSY, STINKING MOWER, I'VE CONCLUDED, WAS DEFECTIVE FROM ITS DEPARTURE FROM THE SHOWROOM FLOOR: FRONT END NOT HIGHER THE BACK. 2 'NEW' FLAT TIRES. A WELDED DECK BRACKET COMPROMISED. THE CUTTING DECK SO LOW THAT I HAVE NEVER UTILIZED THE 3 LOWER SETTINGS SINCE TAKEOFF. RECENTLY, CHIPPED BLADES AND DEAD BATTERY HAVE BEEN REPLACED. NOW 20% OF THE PURCHASE PRICE, ALREADY RE-USED FOR MAINTENANCE, WILL BE A PAST TENSE FIGURE IF I HOPE TO MOW AGAIN. DO I? MINDLESS MOWING, UP, DOWN AND AROUND, BOUNCING AND BORED FOR HOURS IS PROBABLY MY SECOND MOST DESPISED SUMMER CHORE AFTER SWEATING.

ON THE ESCHATOLOGICAL SCALE OF THINGS, MY LOUSY, STINKING BROKEN 20 HP. MOWER SETBACK, SHRIVELS INTO INSIGNIFICANCE. I WILL FOCUS INSTEAD ON REMEMBRANCE OF WHAT TRULY WARRANTS REMEMBRANCE AND HONOR - WAR'S FALLEN HEROES. I WILL ENJOY MY HOLIDAY BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER AND NOT 'SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. "