UNCOMMON CENTS 91

WHAT ABOUT YOUR VALENTINE? 1/2 DOZEN ROSES FOR $1.99 OR $30.00 FOR a FEW EXTRA FLOWERS? ORGANIC CHOCOLATE FOR $3.60 OR THE SAME OUNCES TO BE NIBBLED FOR $1.99? 11 OZ FOR $35.00? 27 PCS FOR $32? THE PRICE TAG FOR PRESTIGE DOESN'T READ MARS SELECT, PREMIUM HERSHEY, GODIVA OR VALRHONA, IT READS 'FOOL.' AN EXFOLIATING PUFF FOR $.99 AS AN ASSIST WHEN YOU SOAP UP UNDER YOUR SHOWER? A TEDDY BEAR WITHOUT A NAME FOR $1.99 OR SMOKEY TAGGED FOR $100. DOLLARS? A CARD WITH A LOVELY SENTIMENT FOR $.50 OR FOR $4.00? WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE PRICE FOR HOT AIR ENCASED IN A VALENTINE MESSAGE?

INSTEAD OF LIFE AS A CUSTOMER, SPENDING MONEY, WHY NOT MORPH INTO A STORE MAKING MONEY? PROFITS GAINED FROM INVESTMENTS ARE LIKE RETAIL SALES. THEY ARE THE ULTIMATE VALENTINES. WHY NOT BEGIN WITH AN ACROSS THE BOARD STOCK INDEX FUND? INDEXES OF MUTUAL FUNDS, BEGUN IN 1984, HAVE BALLOONED INTO A 17% SHARE OF EQUITY ASSETS (NEST EGGS) IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY. THAT REPRESENTS 6.2 TRILLION DOLLARS INVESTED BY OTHER PEOPLE, AGENCIES AND BUSINESSES? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

A CONTROVERSY HAS APPARENTLY FLARED UP RECENTLY OVER MONEY DONATED TO A WORTHY CAUSE BY EXOTIC DANCERS (OR PORN STARS?). THE RECIPIENTS FELT THE DONATIONS WERE COMPROMISED BY THE MORALS OF THE DONORS. SHOULD YOU TAKE THE MONEY OR RUN? I WOULD. ENRICHING YOURSELF IS GOOD. ENRICHING YOURSELF WITH LEGAL INVESTMENTS IN ENTITIES THAT ARE SILLY, OVERPRICED, STUPID OR QUESTIONABLE IN THEIR MORAL PRINCIPLES IS GOOD. TO NAME A FEW OF THE 'SINNERS': EXOTIC DANCING, PORNOGRAPHY, CASINOS, TOBACCO, QUESTIONABLE MATCHMAKING, SPACE MEMORABILIA ( A TACKY TAKE-OFF AFTER THE RECENT ASTRONAUT LOVE TRIANGLE SCANDAL), LIQUOR OR TOTE BAGS FOR DOGS ( THE ULTIMATE SURRENDER TO HEDONISTIC, CHIC). PROFITS FROM THESE LEGAL SOURCES ARE GOOD FOR YOU IF THEY MAKE YOU MONEY.

PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY, UTILITARIANISM, SAYS THAT YOU COME FIRST IN THE WAR FOR WEALTH, FIRST IN A PEACEFUL, SECURE RETIREMENT AND FIRST TO KNOW IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU DID THE RIGHT THING WITH YOUR MONEY. YOU CANNOT PREVENT THE RIGHT OR WRONG CHOICES OF YOUR FELLOW COUNTRYMEN, BUT YOU SHOULD NOT LET THEM AFFECT YOUR CHOICES - WHICH OUGHT TO BE RIGHT.

HINT: LOVE YOURSELF. PAY YOURSELF FIRST, PAY CASH, AVOID DEBT. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.