THE KISS OF DEATH

IF SPECULATORS BUILT A BASEBALL DIAMOND, FANS WOULD COME; IF I LIKE A FOOD MAKE A DELICIOUS DISCOVERY, IT WILL GO OR PROBABLY HAS ALREADY GONE OUT OF CIRCULATION. I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT MY APPROVAL LEVEL OF A PRODUCT RUNS COUNTERCLOCKWISE TO THE TASTES OF THE MASSES. WHENEVER I DISCOVER SOME EXCELLENT PRODUCT, I CAN ASSUME IT HAS BEEN OR WILL SOON BE REJECTED BY THE ARMIES OF SHOPPERS, WITHDRAWN FROM CIRCULATION OR PASS INTO THE VOID. I’M JUST A LONELY SOLDIER WHO HAS REASONED TO THIS CONCLUSION AFTER YEARS OF INDUCTIVE EXAMPLES.

TAKE TRUE LICORICE FROM SWITZERS, WITH THE 1ST INGREDIENT MOLASSES AND CONTAINING NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. EVEN WAL-MART DROPPED ITS AUSTRALIAN VERSION. NOW IT’S GONE.
I FOUND DROSTE 72% DARK CHOCOLATE, A HEAVENLY CLOSEOUT FROM BIG LOTS. I PURCHASED A YEAR'S SUPPLY. NOW IT TOO IS GONE.

TORENGOS CORN SHIPS FROM FRITO-LAY WERE THE BEST SNACK CHIP EVER, ESPECIALLY DELICIOUS WITH SALSA AND CHEESE AND POPPED INTO THE MICROWAVE. EVEN WAL-MART DROPPED THEM. NOW THEY ARE GONE.

TEXAS BEST BBQ SAUCE DISAPPEARED, WITH 1ST INGREDIENT TOMATOES AND NO CORN SYRUP INVOLVED. IT’S NOT EVEN KNOWN ON THE INTERNET.

A GREEN CHILI SAUCE, SWEET AND CREAMY, DISSIMILAR TO KROGER OR WAL-MART VARIETIES, I FOUND AS A BIG LOTS CLOSEOUT. GONE. PRESENT VERSIONS ON STORE SHELVES ARE FAR INFERIOR.

SESAME STICKS WITH GENUINE SESAME AND A MINIMUM OF WHEAT FLOUR FOR CONSISTENCY ARE NOW AVAILABLE ONLY IN INFERIOR GRADES AND ONLY ON 'SPECIALTY' SHELVES.

CHEWY, CHERRY DOLLARS WITH NATURAL, RED RASBERRY TASTE WITHOUT THE GLYCERIN FEEL OF CORN SYRUP. THEY WERE LAST SEEN AND ENJOYED AT AN OUTDOOR FLEA MARKET YEARS AGO. PERHAPS SOME EQUIVALENCY IS SOLD SOMEWHERE, PERHAPS ON THE WEB , BUT I’M SURE THE PROHIBITIVE COST WILL TELL ME THAT MY THRILL SHOULD BE GONE.

MEIER'S 44 SHERRY, ITS SUPERIOR TASTE, TESTED BY MY PEERS, WON OUT OVER HARVEYS BRISTOL CREAM AND TWO OTHER PREMIUM BRANDS. I NOW MUST ORDER IT DIRECT FROM THE WINERY BECAUSE MARKETS DO NOT STOCK IT WITH THEIR OTHER SPIRITS.

TRUE BARLEY MALT FOR MALTED MILKS. A LEFT-OVER FROM THE YESTERYEAR OF MALT SHOPS, SODA COUNTERS AND JUKE BOXES. IT CAN NOW ONLY BE SPECIAL-ORDERED FROM HEALTH FOOD STORES OR OFF THE INTERNET, BUT I’VE CONCLUDED THAT IT IS JUST TOO EXPENSIVE.

AN ORIENTAL PLUM SAUCE, SUPERLATIVE TO NAME BRANDS, THE LAST GALLON A CLOSEOUT FROM BIG LOTS. WHEN IT’S GONE, I DOUBT THAT ANOTHER STANDOUT WILL TAKE ITS PLACE.

A CREAMY, GENERIC VODKA PASTA SAUCE, LIMITED IN SALT CONTENT SO THAT THE FLAVOR OF THE ALCOHOL FLOWED THROUGH EACH SERVING. AGAIN FROM BIG-LOTS. OTHER VERSIONS EXIST, BUT THE BEST MUST BE FORGOTTEN.

A NATURALLY FERMENTED OFF BRAND SOY SAUCE, COMPETITIVE WITH KIKKOMAN'S AT HALF THE PRICE. AGAIN FROM BIG LOTS. KIKKOMAN'S IS NOW MY ONLY RECOURSE.

YEAST RAISED DONUTS, UNSEEN AND UNFELT IN MY MOUTH SINCE THE 1980'S. APPARENTLY THEIR LIGHT CONSISTENCY AND THEIR FROSTING WITH SPRINKLES WERE NOT AS UNPOPULAR AS TODAY'S HEAVY CAKE-LIKE VARIETIES. I’M LUCKY I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SUGAR AND CAKE IN THE MORNING.

BUTTER FLAVORED SHORTBREAD COOKIES, LIGHT AND FLAKY. THEY WERE 99CENTS A BOX AT ALDI'S AND $5.00 FOR A HUGE, 3 LB. BOX AT THE CLOSEOUT OF BIG LOTS. NOW THEY’RE BOTH GONE. I LIVE WITH THE HOPE I'LL FIND THEM CHEAP AND REJECTED SOMEWHERE AGAIN.

THE DEFUNCT, 2-PLY WHITE CLOUD TOILET PAPER, DEFINITELY HANDS ABOVE THE MODERN VARIETIES - AND THERE ARE MANY TO CHOOSE FROM. TODAY’S ULTRA UNROLLS AT A DISTANT SECOND.

THE DOUBLE-SCENTED CARAMEL CANDLES WITH AN INTOXICATION TO DIE FOR THAT FILLED MY HOUSE. I’D PAY A PREMIUM PRICE FOR A YEAR OF THEIR DELIGHT, BUT MY FIERY PASSION WAS CUT SHORT WHEN THE FACTORY CLOSED BECAUSE OF A FIRE. WHAT LUCK!

A CHEAP, CHICAGO, THIN CRUST PIZZA, THE TAKE-OUT KIND WITH SAUSAGE, CHEESE AND SPICES . AVAILABLE AT MIDNIGHT BACK IN THE 70'S WHEN GREAT TASTE DID NOT INCLUDE NASTY PEPPERONI. THOSE DAYS ARE GONE, BUT NOW REMEMBERED WITH A VOW TO NEVER AGAIN BUY A PREPARED PIZZA.

PICKY EATING AND CLOSE-OUT SHOPPING HAVE OBVIOUSLY LED ME TO VALES OF TEARS OVER SOME OF MY LOVE'S LABORS' LOSSES. MY FINDS, HOWEVER, WERE SPLENDID WHILE THEY LASTED, ALTHOUGH WHAT I LIKED I OFTEN GAVE THE KISS OF DEATH.

HOW LONG WILL IT BE UNTIL BEEF LIVER, CHICKEN LIVERS AND RUTABAGAS DISAPPEAR FROM GROCERY CASES EVEN AS I’M STILL DROOLING?