WASTING MONEY

I CAN IDENTIFY YUPPIES, SOLVE THE NEGATIVE RATE OF SAVINGS IN THIS COUNTRY AND GUARANTEE A CUTBACK IN GOVERNMENT SPENDING AS A RESULT OF ANALYZING A REGULAR FRIDAY FEATURE IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL'S WEEKEND EDITION. I CAN 'KILL OFF ' THESE THREE BIRDS WITH ONE UMBRELLA. IN THE FRIDAY FEATURE. A SHOPPING COMPARISON IS MADE BETWEEN COMPETING BRANDS FOR THE BEST PRODUCT. SUBJECTS DIFFER, BUT FOR ME, THE NONSENSE FACTOR REMAINS CONSTANT. TODAY, THE 'WINDPRO FLATWEAR VENTED AUTO UMBRELLA', THE 'WIND DEFYING 44" COMPACT AUTO-OPEN UMBRELLA', THE 'MICRO MINI UMBRELLA,' THE SHEDRAIN MINI UMBRELLA', AND THE 'TOTES MICRON UMBRELLA' RANGED IN PRICE FROM $20 TO $25. PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. I COULD PURCHASE A UTILITARIAN 'RAIN SHADE' FROM A LOCAL DOLLAR TREE, DOLLAR GENERAL, FAMILY DOLLAR, GOODWILL INDUSTRIES OR VOLUNTEERS OF AMERICA FOR $1.00. MY UMBRELLA WOULD UNIVERSALLY HAVE THE CAPABILITY OF CREATING A MUSHROOM CLOUD THAT WITHSTANDS THE RAIN WHEN HAND-HELD ABOVE MY HEAD. WHETHER AT A LIBERAL PROTEST RALLY OR A CONSERVATIVE FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION, ITS JOB DESCRIPTION WOULD BE THE SAME.

SINCE THIS PRODUCT'S PRICE IS, PRACTICALLY SPEAKING, INFLATED ALMOST 20 TIMES I KNOW ITS PERCEIVED VALUE CATERS TO CONSUMERS WHO ARE STATUS CONSCIOUS OR WHO POSSESS DISCRIMINAING TASTES. THESE ARE SO-CALLED, YUPPIES WHO I FIRST SHOOT DOWN WITH COMMON SENSE.

THE SECOND BIRD I KILL OFF IS WASTEFUL SPENDING. AMERICA, A NATION OF CARD-CARRYING, LIBERAL AND LIBERATED CONSUMERS, COULD INCREASE ITS SAVINGS RATE BY SIMPLY SAYING YES TO REASON BY SAVING OR INVESTING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN $1.00 AND $20. THAT IS $19 ON THE LIBERATION FRONT ON ONE ITEM.

THE THIRD BIRD I KILL OFF IS BIG GOVERNMENT. THE WSJ ANALYSIS ASSUMES THAT ONLY THE ULTRA RICH OR THE ULTRA FOOLISH WILL ROUTINELY OR SELECTIVELY BUY A PRODUCT, THAT FOR EXAMPLE IN TODAY'S CASE, IS PRICED ALMOST 20 TIMES OVER ITS PRACTICAL WORTH. MY PRINCIPLE IS VALID EVEN IF THE NEWSPAPER TARGETS CEO'S WHO ARE PAID 400 TIMES THE SALARY OF THE AVERAGE WORKER. IF THE RICH, WHO NEED NOT SAVE MONEY, WOULD CONTRIBUTE IT TO CHARITY, THE GOVERNMENT'S SPENDING ON WELFARE WOULD GREATLY DIMINISH.

I REJECT THE YUPPIES AND THEIR UMBRELLA OPTIONS. I CHALLENGE THOSE WHO WASTE MONEY TO INSTEAD SAVE IT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR FUTURES. IF MONEY OVERFLOWS THE MATERIAL BOUNDS OF THE WEALTHY, I URGE THEM TO PUT IT TO HUMANITARIAN USE.