LAUGH IN THE NEW YEAR

"I CAN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE," TO QUOTE RUSH LIMBAUGH, THE POPULAR CONSERVATIVE HOST OF A DAILY RADIO TALK SHOW. THE ANTICS OF DISPARATE, SPARRING AMERICANS, OFTENTIMES BASED ON POLITICAL CONTROVERSIES, ARE A "HOOT." AS FAR BACK AS 400 B.C. ARISTOPHANES OBSERVED THAT " I LAUGH'D TIL I CRIED." CRYING OVER A MULTITUDE OF LAUGHABLE EXAMPLES OF CONTRADICTIONS AND ABSURDITIES, HOWEVER, WOULD BE A DEFEATIST APPROACH TO 2006.

IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT FOR SOME BABIES RECEIVING BIRTH NAMES LIKE GAIA, OTHERS ARE CALLED COLT. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT PUBLIC SCHOOLS ATTEMPT TO EMASCULATE BOYS, BUT IN THEIR COMPETITIVE SPORTS, TESTOSTERONE IS GOOD, BETTER AND BEST (THINK THE CHEMISTRY OF DRUGS). IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT LIBERAL POLITICIANS SCREAM ABOUT DEPRIVATION OF OUR CIVIL LIBERTIES WHILE THEY STRIP THEM FROM CITIZENS EVERY CHANCE THEY GET. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT FREE SPEECH IS GUARANTEED IN AMERICA TO OFFICE-HOLDING NUTS WHO SHOUT ANTI-AMERICAN HATE ALONG WITH PRO-CIVIL RIGHTS TO TERRORISTS. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT SPEECHIFYING 'IDIOTS' ARE APPLAUDED AT THE PODIUM INSTEAD OF BEING LAUGHED AT OR BOOED INTO SILENCE, LECTURER AND LISTENER ALIKE SHOWING NO SHAME. IT WOULD BE LAUGHABLE IF OUR PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH, KICKED BACK AGAINST INSINUATIONS BY THE MEDIA ELITE AND LIBERAL DEMOCRATS THAT RASCISM MOTIVATED THE FAILURES OF RELIEF EFFORTS DURING KATRINA AND FOSTERED "ETHNIC CLEANSING." IT WOULD BE A LAUGH TO SEE OUR GEORGE BUSH ABANDON CIVILITY AND STOICISM, BECOME UN-PRESIDENTIAL, AND KICKED BACK IN THE MANNER OF THE LATE, CRUDE, COMEDIAN RICHARD PRYOR. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT THE CONGRESS CONTINUES TO SPEND OTHER PEOPLE'S MONIES, HAVING RECENTLY DEMONSTRATED THEIR GENEROSITY IN A $100 BILLION DOLLAR SUBSIDY BILL FOR FARM AND RURAL DEVELOPMENT PROGRAMS, IN A $40 BILLION DOLLAR 'HIGHWAY PORK" BILL AND IN A 2.3 TRILLION DOLLAR FREE-FOR-ALL OF WASTEFUL SPENDING. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT POLITICIANS CAN'T REMEMBER THAT GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS OF ANY SORT NEVER WORK. FOR EXAMPLE, THE GREAT SOCIETY ENVISIONED BY FORMER PRESIDENT LYNDON JOHNSON, PROMISED TO TAKE BLACKS OFF THE GREAT PLANTATIONS. IN REALITY AND AD INFINITUM, IT LEFT THEM HELPLESS IN BIG DADDY'S CARE, AS HELPLESS AS THE VICTIMS OF THE HURRICANE IN NEW ORLEANS. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT WE SYMPATHETIC CITIZENS CONTINUE TO PAY 40,000 SURVIVORS' HOTEL BILLS. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT OUR OWN U.S. SENATOR GEORGE VOINOVICH PERSISTS IN TOSSING OFF REASON, JUSTICE AND FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY INSISTING THAT THE BUSH TAX CUTS BE RESCINDED. IT'S LAUGHABLE THAT OUR OHIO SENATOR AND OUR OHIO REPRESENTATIVE TALK ABOUT TASK FORCES, COMMISSIONS, BALANCING AND 'LEVELING IT OUT'. WHATEVER 'IT' IS THEY WISH TO LEVEL, WE TAXPAYERS CAN BE SURE THEY THINK 'IT' IS FOR OUR OWN 'GOOD, EVEN IF 'IT' MEANS REMOVING ONE MORE LAYER OF OUR PRECIOUS FREE WILL. FOR EXAMPLES, PREDATORY LENDING AND METHAMPHETAMINES ARE THE REGULATORY CAUSES DU JOUR. IT IS LAUGHABLE HOW SMOKING HAS BEEN TARGETED FOR ERADICATION. CAN LOTTERIES AND CASINOS BE FAR BEHIND? I THINK NOT; THEY PROVIDE STATE AND LOCAL REVENUES.

SO LAUGH AT THE LAUGHABLE IN AMERICA, EVEN WHEN CHRISTMAS IS DISGUISED WITH PHRASES LIKE SEASON'S GREETINGS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS. FURTHERMORE, THERE IS NO NEED TO MAINTAIN A STRAIGHT FACE WHEN YOU SOON SAY, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"